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Womens Relationship Advice - How to Heal a Heartbreak

Weekly I receive messages from my women readers asking how to avoid break ups and ease the pain of loss of a relationship. There is nothing trivial about this pain whether the loss is from death, divorce or medical problems. Emotional loss can be compared to our reflex of doubling over when punched in the stomach. We tend to wrap ourselves around the pain in order to absorb it and protect ourselves from further harm. At some point however, we must be willing to straighten up again and move forward. What follows are some actions which can be taken to move ourselves into a positive attitude and direction again.

Allow the time for grieving. Even when the relationship has ended in anger or by personal choice, something is gone which we are accustomed to having in our lives. Allowing ourselves to acknowledge this vacancy is essential to the healing process. Denying that this lack exists only postpones the healing. Alternatively, we may continue in mourning beyond the time of our personal recuperative abilities. This can occur when we substitute pain for the person. The hole in our lives is now occupied by our hurt and letting the hurt go can seem like too much emptiness to deal with. This is an indication that the time for grieving is over and we must take other action for healing to occur.

Bless your partner and let them go. Blessing another opens up one's own heart and allows a decent closure to the situation. We may have to reach back to memories of love in order to get past our anger in order to do this. That's alright. If nothing else, we can understand that this person is also a child of The Most High and as such, is deserving of our blessing. This sort of blessing is our benediction upon the other, stating that they are entitled to a joyful existence even if we aren't included in it. Granting this to the other opens us to this opportunity for ourselves. Withholding our blessing only holds us back from our healing, it does no harm to the other.

Locate what you love within yourself. A metaphysical principle is that we cannot perceive what we do already have within ourselves. So, if you have perceived a special beauty, grace or quality in your loved one that you feel you cannot do without, it also resides in you. Our unwillingness to release another from our lives is usually based on a perceived need to have that element in our lives, not recognizing that we already have it. Visualize yourself having that quality. Affirm that this quality is already yours and is now revealed. It can be surprising how our dependency on the other diminishes as we do this.

A woman has to be willing to recreate her life. The compromises of relationships usually involve giving up simple pleasures we could experience as a single person. Bring these pleasures back into your life. My advice: eat crackers in bed, play poker with your buddies and watch the movies you enjoy. This sends the message to the subconscious mind that joy and pleasure are available without the loved one. It can start the ball rolling toward a new appreciation of life based on one's own needs. This may seem like a simple thing, but treat it as you would a magical ritual of healing. Take your 2 hour long bubblebath and practice gratitude for the freedom to do so. Take the camping trip with the guys and be glad that you need not be concerned with the consequences.

Some of the best advice I can give any women is to be honest with yourself. There are elements of your life which can be more fulfilling now that you're alone. Don't avoid these truths in favor of holding onto the pain. Note that if you want to deny this, you are keeping the pain close to you and it may not be for healthy reasons. Pleasant memories may be cherished, but hurt is not for cherishing. Your pain will not bring back the love. Frankly, pain is not lovable, though we may have compassion for the one suffering. A loved one will not come back to you because you are hurting so badly. This is an insufficient reason for a healthy human being to be in a relationship and if you are honest you will recognize this fact.

Life can continue in a positive direction if we are truly willing for it to do so. Taking constructive steps to move this way creates a momentum which can take off on it's own. Life can be good again.

Famous Love Quotes:

"Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!"

--Anne Frank (1929-1945 German Jewish Refugee & Diarist)

By Erin 2006-10-21 08:55:10

Thank you for such a beautiful article. I recently experienced a very sudden break-up. One that I did not want and was not expecting. I am in so much pain...I will print this article and read it whenever I feel the extreme loss.

By Admin 2006-10-21 08:56:35

Hi, Erin. We know the pain of a break up can be heartbreaking, so we're very happy our article is providing you with some support. Take care.

By Kitchen 2007-03-10 14:16:54

Thank you so much. I recently had a break up and even though no one knew it, it had a huge toll on me. I thought the guy was "the one" I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but after reading these articles, I realized that I've got to put my pieces together and move on. Thank You!

By kittykat 2007-04-16 05:16:44

after reading this i really really do feel good. thank you so much!

By Vuyo 2007-06-07 15:44:21

Thanks. The article is a blessing to every person going through a breakup. I especially like the part that it's healthy for one to bless the other person who's broken up with you. I feel much better after doing that. Thank you...

By Nikki 2007-08-02 10:29:07

I just wanted to say thank you for this article. I just got out of a two year relationship and have random nights when I will think about the relationship I had and just start crying and feel as though I cannot go on...and the article really helped me.

By kita 2007-09-02 18:21:26

Like Erin, I just went through a heartbreaking split that was totally out-of-the-blue for me; my ex is there for me however, and being really caring. However this did not stop my pain. What was amazing was how accurate this article was on the way I am feeling. It's helped me understand I can move on. Although the memories flood my mind still, and I want him back so badly, I know I can't because things would never be the same. I must say, although my pain is not completely gone, it has been eased reading this. Thank you.

By Char 2007-09-02 18:55:56

I have random bouts of isolated desperation, especially at night. This is when we need to turn to articles such as this to restore our strength and faith in the human spirit and love for ourself. Thanks for this article.

By monica 2007-10-29 04:31:24

I am twenty seven years old, and I have had my heart broken after being in a two year long distance relationship. Now, when I joined my Ex, I realized so many things. He had cheated on me and even had a child. I was so heart broken that I failed to eat and even sleep for the first three days. But after reading this article, it has given me the courage to pick up my pieces and move on. I deserve better. Monica

By Nathan 2007-12-09 08:39:55

It is so hard to let go when it has been the other person's decision, and you had no idea what was going on beforehand. It really hurts, and I am a pretty strong emotional and spiritual guy. It would be one thing if it were mutual and understandable, but it wasn't. It was sudden and very vague. She said things I had never heard her say, and it seems she is scared more than anything of the reality of our relationship and is comfortable so much so that she doesn't want to work through problems.

By meme 2008-02-02 17:31:44

I am a guy, and not in my worse nightmare have I thought I would ever be this hurt. Thanks for the article. I have regained my hope but am still confused.

By Annie 2008-03-11 19:28:54

Hi, thanks for the wise comments. I particularly treasure the paragraph on locating the love within myself. This is something that I know is worth striving for with or without the pressure of a heartbreak. I am currently going through a severe grieving process about the loss of a partner I really wanted. So far it's been three months and it seems that it's still at it's hight of pain. I have found it helpful to feel my pain as intensely as I can and to not avoid any nuance of it. It's tough, but like Winston Churchill points out "If you're going though hell, keep going..." So here I am going. Anyone who'd like to share their experience with me about this, please do.

By Ami 2008-03-20 17:45:28

Annie, I read your message and see that its so new. I too have just experienced such a great great loss. My partner and I were to marry this weekend and he called me from London England where we have been living and said he is not coming for the wedding. He doesn't want to marry me. I am so lost and so devastated and feel like the grief is over whelming. I am shocked and numb at the same time. I am lucky that my family is so supportive here, and I will not return to England but will find my peace here. I think it's best for us to be around people who understand and limit speaking to people who are experiencing the same thing right now. Otherwise together your pain stays and stays as you brood together. Being with people who have gone through it and can understand it is better then being around someone else who needs to have their pain heard. I am sorry you are going through this and would never wish this pain on anyone. May you be blessed with the power of time to heal. Love and kisses and heartfelt sympathy.

By butterfly 2008-04-01 17:24:43

It is great to hear all those amazing stories, it really helps to know that other people are going through this. I too had just realized that the person I was in love with, who was also a great friend, is not really the person that I knew and loved. I am really hurt by the fact that he let me think that he loved me when he might not even know what love is. It has been two months and I just feel that the pain will never go. It is also affecting my daily activities and this is really getting me down. I am sure that all of us share something in common: the ability to love deeply with all our energy and to wear our hearts on our sleeves. My heart goes out to Ami and Annie. I really know how it feels. Perhaps it would be helpful if we could share tips on ways that could help us feel better beyond the article. Blessings to you all.

By Catherine 2008-04-08 06:41:28

Thank you for such a great article. I recently just went through a break-up in which there was no signs of it even coming. One day everything was great two days later everything went south, and I was heartbroken. I have a lot of great friends that are supporting me through this process. It totally took everything out of me. All I wanted to do was sleep, because when I was awake I'd cry and cry. He's trying to be caring but how can you except this from someone that broke your heart for another girl. It has only been a couple of days but I am going to use your strategy and love myself and move on. Thanks again.

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