Fixing Relationships: Honest Communication Can Help Save a Relationship

My girlfriend read some of my MSN Chat History--read some things that she didn't like--but I haven't cheated on her. Is there anyway I can repair this, because she dumped my sorry ass? I don't know how to win her back with a fresh start. Please help. I LOVE her, and need her back with me. Thanks for your time.

Thanks for your question, Steve. Well, you can't do the repair, because you're not the one whose heart was damaged (even though you're hurting now). She needs to do the repairing herself. You would need to be brutally honest with yourself and her by telling her what was going on with you regarding the MSN Chats--what you were wanting/needing from the on-line interactions. It's your *actions* that influenced her to stop trusting you, so it's unlikely that your *words* alone will influence her to trust you again. What she "trusts" now is your actions--that you were interested in engaging in the chats. That's the truth. Did you enjoy the chats? Would you like to continue them? If so, that's up to you. However, she didn't seem to enjoy that you enjoyed them. Perhaps the two of you have different values in this regard and are not a good match. Did you violate your values by doing the chats? If so, can you give her reason to trust in your future actions?

My girlfriend of over a year has recently become distant, I approached her about it multiple times and she refused to admit anything was wrong, then a week or so after the feelings started to arise in her she finally told me that she was having doubts about where our relationship is headed. But before I get into this I should clarify some things. Throughout our relationship I have been pretty jealous, controlling, insecure...I have had no reason to be insecure as she's a beautiful morality-driven girl who would never cheat on me. I have got less and less of all of the above through the length of our relationship, but recently she's been wanting to experiment with alcohol, and me being a bonehead, I got upset everytime she mentioned it. I more or less acted like she killed my best friend. Now she has not given up on me from what she says because I realized I've been wrong and need to give her space to grow, but I need to change some things. I've been so shaken up by this and emotionally distraught I have been acting incredibly happy to try and change her mood, and more lovey than usual, sending her 2-page e-cards telling her how I feel about it. She came out to me today and said I'm pushing her away by completely changing who I am, and acting artificially happy. I have been happy, but not as much as I've let on...I want to make an honest effort at getting our relationship back on track. Besides the obvious of drop all of the "acting" and just return to the person she fell in love with, any suggestions?

Hey, Joshua. Instead of "return to the person she fell in love with," I'm going to challenge you to keep maturing--to "grow into the person you truly are." Sounds like you're growing out of (little by little) the kind of immature game playing many of us have had to let go of. The best thing you can do for your relationship is to keep being honest with yourself and others, and keep discarding game playing. Get real. Let your emotional shake-up serve you to release "soap opera" relating and, even more, come from your heart. Thank you for your question.

My girlfriend and I have been together almost one year. It has been wonderful, but foolishly I wasn't sure that I was ready for this kind of a commitment, feeling as though I would be missing out on things as a college student. I broke up with her, then realized it was a mistake. She has already decided to give me another chance, but she is has been very much "on guard," and I am afraid of whether or not she will be able to move past this. I love her dearly and realize now I want to be with her forever. Is there any way to fix this other than giving it time?

Hi, Mike. It may be difficult, but see if you can relax. You were just human. She's human, too--she doesn't walk on water (I don't think... :-) and also has made mistakes in her life. Try not to co-create a "she's good, but I'm bad" dynamic. You made a choice, discovered your core values more deeply by learning why you felt how you felt, changed your mind (became more in sync with yourself), asked for forgiveness / a second chance, and she agreed. It's easy to understand why she might be on guard, as your actions appear to have eroded some of her trust in you. So be it. Part of growing up is learning to truly forgive. We all have made mistakes, so let's be compassionate with one another; give each other a break. If she can find and stay in touch with her heart, she can get you're both only human and this "breakdown" can deepen your love for each other.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year, and a couple of days ago she said she didn't know what she wanted and broke it off with me. What should I do. I love this girl more then anything in the world. Should I talk to her? If I should, what should I say. I'm lost and hurt.

Hi, John. Well, it's hard to give advice not knowing if your ex-girlfriend is being fully honest with you, or not. She might not know what she wants, but she apparently doesn't want you. That can be VERY tough to hear, I know. There may be someone else in whom she's attracted. My suggestion is to use your intuition, which might be hard to sense right now. Nonetheless, get quiet. Breathe. Let your emotions flow. Get in touch with your Inner Knower--the place inside where your highest wisdom lives. If you sense it's wise to reach out to her, do so. Don't focus on getting back together. Place your attention on trying to truly understand how she's feeling, what's she needing, what she's wanting. Listen. Of course, she has to want that. If not, you probably need to let her go and move on.

My Fiancé and I have been on a rollercoaster for the past year and a half. We have been together for 2 yrs. It seems like we can't get out of a rut. Some very major things have happened, abortion, then misscarrage, family drama and a bunch more. He does smoke weed which I would like him to stop. Do you have any advice on how to get him to stop with the drugs, and how do we move on from the losses we have been through?

Hi, Nell. I won't give you any advice about opening up more, since you seem clear you need and want to do that. Congratulations, it's a big step. What strikes me in reading your message is that your Fiancé seems indifferent, uncertain, undecided. My direct question to him would be, "Do you want to spend the rest of your life married to this woman?" It all starts from there. If not, marriage is a mistake in my view. Regarding him being "the love of your life," I know it feels that way right now. And...the world is a VERY BIG place. Opportunity abounds, even if you cannot see it.

I have been with my Fiancé for 6 years and recently we have been having a lot of trouble. He says I don't know how to be in a relationship because I don't know how to communicate and turn him on. I have always had to care for myself so it is hard to depend on others. I don't lie to him but I do keep a lot of stuff from him, so that both of us don't have to stress about it but he has a problem with me keeping him out of the loop. Until now I didn't think I was doing anything wrong but then the father of my child contacted me after 10 years and I didn't tell him about because I had no intentions of replying but my fiance found out and doesn't think our relationship can't make it through but I do. He said he doesn't know if we can continue planning our future together but he doesn't want to be without me, what can I do to make this situation right? I never seen what I was doing is wrong and I have now realized that maybe due to my past I don't know how to be in a relationship, please help. He is the love of my life and I am willing to do whatever to keep him even if I have to give up my independence. Thank you.

My girlfriend and I have been going out for 5 months and are very much in love. I recently went away, and she took it really hard for the 8 days I was gone. I had encouraged her to be with her friends while I was gone. A few days into my absence, she told me that she wanted to take a break so she could investigate her options. I love this girl and I do not want this to happen. What should I do?

The question I would ask myself is, "Why do I want to be with someone who does not want to be with me?" I also encourage you to deeply examine what you mean by the word "love" and see if any of what you feel might be "dependence" or "co-dependence." That said...you could always let her know you'd like to talk to her about her feelings. Perhaps she'd willing to go beyond game playing, tell you how she truly feels about you, and honestly let you know what she's wanting to "investigate." Still, the most powerful thing you can do is work with the first self-inquiry question I suggested.

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, we are each other's first love. Our relationship has been going down hill. On Christmas he bitched about coming over to exchange gifts, then when he came over he forgot mine, and he was in a bad mood. On New Year's I was sick and he went to a party while I sat at home by myself. And the worst part about it is that he didn't call to see if I needed anything b4 he went out, and I didn't get a call when the ball drooped at midnight. I always tell him that I like the little things he does for me, but yet he never does anything. Since we are each others first loves, I feel like he wants to see what else is out there. I mean I was only his second kiss, and I think he is just at that point to explore more options. He's almost 20 and he never had a relationship before and I think he just wants to go out and have fun. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me and he tells me he doesn't know what to do about our situation. He says he hates the fighting and so do I. I really don't want to lose him. I don't know what I do without him, but there is only so much of his crap that I want deal with. What should i do?

Hi, Shelly. It sounds like you love him more than he loves you; that you treat him better than he treats you. (His side of the story might be different, I know.) When he says "he doesn't know what to do about your situation," that's not taking responsibility. There is no "situation." Hurricanes, tornadoes, and floods are situations. What you have here is a problem of conflicting values. Not "family values" religious right Christian stuff, but beliefs about what is truly important to each of you. For him, sex may be more important than a loving intimate connection (in general -- not always -- that is a gender distinction). For you, it sounds like connecting comes first with the other aspects following. If he doesn't have the skills and/or guts to be direct and honest with you (blaming "situations"), you still can be. I encourage you to not "put up" with people in relationships. Discover what's really important to you (your values) and NEVER compromise. Many of us who are older have learned this the HARD (very hard) way. Some values are non-negotiable, while others are not quite so important. Get crystal clear about who you are (identity) and what you want (values and beliefs). Then co-create your heart's desire with someone with whom you're compatible. You're young, but life's much shorter than you think. Don't waste your time and life energy on anyone who doesn't treasure you and treat you with respect. I'm not talking about perfection; I'm talking about maturity. And do the same: honor the person you're with and act with clarity of intention and integrity.

I have been married for over four years, and together for five in total. Last year, for no real reason, I started to lie to my wife about money, work, etc. This eventually came out on the 10 Dec the same year. I am now trying to sort this out. We have a three-year-old son, and I do love them both. Last year I was feeling like a failure at work money and everything. My wife is from Romania. I have done my best in the last few weeks to do everything right: no lies. One moment she was OK, but the next everything I do is wrong. I realize it will take a long time to build the trust. Any help or advice will be grateful. Mark

Hi, Mark. I think you've answered your own question, stating why you think you started lying, that you now need to be honest, and that it will take time for your wife to rebuild her trust in you. It's now her job to forgive you, but that's something you can request, not demand. I do encourage the two of you to seek some counseling. It can really help if you can find a non-judgmental therapist. Learning to communicate is a skill--something most of us didn't learn from our families or teachers in school.

I'm in love with my girlfriend, but I don't feel any connections between me and her. I feel like she's not my girlfriend. We have been together for almost one year, and yet I don't feel like I know her. What should I do.

What a great question, Steve. Some people might not realize it takes awareness to distinguish between "feeling connection," truly "knowing someone," and the labels we use like girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, etc. My advice is for you to sit down and get clear about what you want in a relationship. Make a list, and include the negatives of what you don't want, if you like. Then, ask your girlfriend if she'd be willing to do the same. If you're brave...compare notes. Even if you don't chose to share each other's lists--or just your list with her--the next step is to see if you can get what you want (and give/express what you want) being with her. If so, deepen your relating with honest communicating. If not, bless her and move on.

My fiancé and I have been together for 8 months now, and we do argue a lot, but it's always over the little things. When he gets mad at me, I usually get scared and try and break up with him (childish, I now realize). We have gone through this periodically throughout our entire relationship. But we are so great together with everything else. In a recent argument I did my same old thing, said I wanted to break up (but I didn't really. I guess I just wanted him to be sorry). At first he tried to change my mind. Then we finally hit a point where he wanted to be with me and he still loves me, but says that he doesn't think things will change. I realize my mistakes now, and I want to live my life out of love, not fear. And I know things would be different, but he needs some time and space to think. It's been three days now, and he still is in the middle, and staying at a friend's house. I have told him everything that has come to my mind and everything that I truly mean, and apologized for hurting him. But I hate being in limbo, and I don't know how long to wait until I give up? I'm trying to show him that I am staying strong, and that I mean it, and that I promise to stick with him for good. He will text message me a couple times a day to make sure I'm alright, but nothing beyond that, and kind of leaves me hanging. About 4 months ago he broke up with me because he was angry. He came back two weeks later saying it was the biggest mistake of his life, and he never wanted to give up. What can I do to help him get back to that frame of mind about us? Thank you :)

Hi, "M." I hear lots of maturing in your message. Wonderful. I suggest that you ask him how much time he needs to decide if he wants to get back together. This is a reasonable request, from what you've told me. Then check inside your being to see if you're willing to wait that long. Once you have a decision deadline, you probably won't feel in limbo anymore. On another note, notice how much time and energy that "playing relationship games" takes? It's so much easier to stop the fighting early and learn to be honest about your feelings and needs.

Hello. My boyfriend of 6 months has finished our relationship because he read my chat logs from MSN when I was talking to another guy. I did something really stupid and met this other guy and he knows all about it. Nothing happened with the other one, as we were just friends. I stayed at his place for the weekend, and when I came back home I stopped talking to him as I knew it wasn't right. My boyfriend says he didn't mind to much about that, but it was lying about it. When he asked me about him, I denied it. He trusted me 100% and now I have broken that trust. I want him back and he said I need to find a fix if I can. What can I do to try and fix it? I really love him and don't want to lose him...thank you...x

Hi, Lisa. You screwed up. We all do from time-to-time. Even people who consider themselves "highly moral" screw, often from being self-righteous or lacking compassion. There was something in the adventure that seemed fun, and you went past just thinking about and took action. Your conscience was alive and well, so you maintained some boundaries. You covered your ass by lying. Again, we've all screwed up. Do you feel you need to ask forgiveness? Sounds kind of formal, because it is. It's about expressing regret, and being honest about the inner pulls you felt. It's asking for another chance, and then becoming a person of integrity--someone who keeps their word. Your boyfriend is human, too. He's not perfect, and hopefully will remember that right now. Ask him if he loves you enough to forgive and forget. If not, so be it. Face up to that, let him go, and move on. Either way, you'll be a more mature person. You'll always remember how crummy it feels to lie to someone you love, and that pain can "fuel" your honesty the next time you need the courage to tell the whole truth.

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for three years and been engaged for four months. We fight all the time and it's usually when we're drinking. I'm very insecure and have been cheated on before. He has done some similar things to me also. I want to be with him for the rest of our lives and I am realizing that I am causing our problems. I just don't know how to stop picking fights. Shannon

Hi, Shannon. You may think you're causing all of the problems you two have as a couple, but it's always a "co-creation." That said, glad you're looking at what YOU can change. Questions: How bad do you want to stop picking fights? If someone gave you $1,000.000.00 if after five years you never picked one fight, could you do it? Would you do it? That's the "pleasure" side. Here's the "pain" side. If you knew someone you loved would instantly die if you picked another fight, could you / would you stop? I suspect that all of the answers to my questions above are "yes." So, how much is it hurting you and your boyfriend when you pick fights? How bad to you want to stop? If you're ready to stop...stop. No excuses. Just start becoming the person your heart knows you truly are.

I've been with a wonderful person for 6 months now. Things started of slow, but before you know it we had a huge fire raging. I got scared and confused. She fell for me so deep and so fast. I loved that but then got scared and it hit me one night and she noticed. The next day she told me she was backing off, to give me my space. Sounds good. I felt like a load was lifted off my shoulders. But in my opinion she backed off too much. We went from being so on fire for each other to almost nothing. I didn't know how to handle it. I realized I preferred the smothering! Her actions caused me to doubt her intent. I've been burned before and now I did not trust her. Telling her stupid things. She's a beauty and I screwed up by not trusting her, accusing her. Stupid stuff. I've come a long way and now know how not trusting her has ruined our relationship. Now she told me she over with us and me not trusting her is what caused this. I know it and I've told her I know it. I've gone from prince to frog over night! You have any magic for me? Boy this crap hurts. CK

Sorry, no magic, Carl. How she feels about you is in her hands, but I have a question for you: If she doesn't want to be with you any longer, why would you want to be with her? Don't you think that if she truly loved you, she'd let go of this "bump" in the relationship? Sounds to me like she's interested in pursuing other options.

My fiancée and I have been dating for a little over 2 years now and we have been very committed to each other from the beginning. Now we find ourselves arguing more often than not, mostly about trust and insecurity issues on both parts. The arguments are dumb, as they may be are taking a substantial toll on both of our confidence levels. We both wonder about the other's intentions and can't seem to quite meet eye to eye. The first year was so great. Sure, we had our arguments, but we usually resolved them and never brought them up again. Now we fight like dogs and neither of us seem to be able to fix it. What can we do to change this unhealthy behavior and get our relationship back on track? P.S. Is it wrong for me to get jealous when a guy friend of hers refers to her as "darlin" or am I just over-reacting. I can't come to a conclusion on my own so please help me.

Hi, Dan. My answer to both of your questions--how to stop fighting and what to do about jealousy--is the same. I'll form it as a question: "How do you trust someone who you no longer trust?" Intention refers to what's "underneath" (what motivates) actions. Internal is hidden while external is visible (at least when you're together). Not everyone is trustworthy, right? It doesn't make sense to trust someone who doesn't deserve your trust. Is she trustworthy? Are you trustworthy? Why? Why not? My suggestion is for the two of you to sit down with no distractions and no one else present, and track back to when things changed. Everything was going great, and I assume you trusted each other. Something changed for both of you. Can you figure out what it was? Another related tip: Fighting sucks. Don't do it. Think of the old psychological experiments that conditioned a dog to drool when a bell rang. Well, when you fight, you condition each other to feel like crap when you look at each other. You "anchor" (associate) stressful feelings with the other person. Not smart. If you have disagreements, shift from arguing to peacefully talking about your differences. Listen. Show respect. Ask to be heard. Ask to be respected. Find common ground.

Me and my girl have just broke up after 8 months. I really do love her and I need her so much but all we have been doing is arguing because I couldn't find it to trust her after she cheated on me. I feel so bad because I'd accuse her of flirting with other guys and all. And I'm sorry for it and so we broke up over it and now all I want is for her to be back with me. I'll do whatever it takes but I don't want to be desperate to where she doesn't want me back. But I still want to show her that I love her and can't be without her because she's changed me. The things we've done and everything; I love her so much and I hope she comes back to me. I really don't know what to do. This is all so crazy it happened so fast and I find myself so depressed on the first day that I don't even want to hang out with my best friend! Now that sucks. I really need advice on what to do. I love Amanda and I can't be without her. She's everything to me.

First off, you *can* be without Amanda. You won't die if you never get back together. It's important to know that. Second, you didn't trust her because she cheated on you. Correct? You need to figure out if you should have forgiven her and stopped being insecure and jealous ... or ... if she didn't really deserve your trust and you had reason to be concerned. You may find that your head can't figure out this stuff, and that you need to learn to listen to and trust your heart for these kinds of answers.

I have been with my partner for over seven years. In that time we have had a child, but since I became pregnant everything seems to be going wrong. I can do nothing right in his eyes. He calls me names and can be aggressive. He has a big problem with me going to college and now he says that he does not want to be with me no more and would rather fall in love with someone new. I'm only trying to better myself and our family. I don't understand why he hurts me and has done this, he tells me its all my fault.

Hi, Mandy. You're describing what I consider to be a very serious problem. I doesn't sound like your married, which I bring up not as a moral issue, but thinking of the child you two have had together. From the little you've shared, it sounds like he has already made his decision to leave. There's very little advice I can give you through a short comment--at least that will make much of a difference...I will say that you going to college is definitely not the root issue; there have to be deeper problems with him, and also with you, since it sounds like you're willing to be with someone who abuses you. This is a situation that needs in-person therapy, not web advice. I encourage you to take the action of seeing a qualified counselor right away.

Hi, My girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago because she felt something was missing in our relationship. She claims that it was work for me to be with her and that I didn't do enough to communicate my emotions and feelings to her. She knows I love her and I know she loves me. She wants a more outgoing man emotionally and communicatively, and I am trying to tell her that I can be that man. I am very reserved and should have opened up to her more, but she will not even give me the opportunity now. She claims that our relationship is unfixable. What can I do to bring us back together?

Hi, Nathan. Some questions to consider: You say she still loves you. 1.) Does she love you enough to want to be with you as you work on learning to express yourself. 2.) Are you sure you want to be with someone who doesn't love you just like you are? 3.) Are you wanting to make these personality changes because you truly want to--from the inside out--or are you saying you will do so only to win her back? 4.) Do you feel it's wise to base a committed relationship on one of the people have to change their personality for it to work? What will she be working on? 5.) There's a difference between growing, learning to express emotion, listening (skills) and trying to change your nature (personality). Which is it? 6.) What other questions can you think of that will help you to clarify what you really want?

I just broke off an affair and I'm having hard time telling my wife that I love her. She says that she loves me, and no doubt that she does. I feel staying in the marriage that I'm cheating her. I don't mind staying with her but I know it's breaking her heart.

Sorry, George, I lost you. Who is saying she loves you, the woman with whom you were having the affair or your wife? Staying in your marriage would mean that you're cheating who? Staying with who? Breaking whose heart? If you can be more clear about to whom you are referring, I'll be glad to provide some advice.

Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend and also living with him for 4 years. In the past month it feels that we have been drifting apart. He going out with his friends more and more. Me staying home and studying or being at work. I have approached him on how I was feeling. All he says that we are right now are like roommates and not boyfriend/girlfriend. I asked him if we can fix it the relationship and he says he does not know. We were really close and did a lot. Know it feels hard to do anything. He really does not hug me no more or gives me kisses, but he says "I love you" to me. I am getting too many mixed signals. I really love him, and I don't want to lose him...

Hi, "V." Let's imagine your life as a car. Why are you letting your boyfriend drive your life? I recommend you have him pullover, get out, and that you hop in the driver's seat and drive off (without him). It's your car, so drive it.

Hello, I have been dating my ex-boyfriend for four years. A few months ago we broke up, which I thought was for good. I tried really hard to move on because I thought there would never be another chance to be with him. Needless to say, I kissed two other guys and slept with one. Then my ex-bf and I got back together, but I only told him I kissed two guys. I hid the fact that I did more with one person. I finally told him and we broke up again. Right now he is trying to straighten out his life and see if with time apart I genuinely want to be with him. What can I do to prove to him that he is the one for me and help him work through the fact that I hid something from him for so long?

Hi, Viv. In hindsight, instead of lying to him, it may have been wiser to let him know you weren't willing to discuss what the two of you did or didn't or didn't do when you were broken up. Instead, you lied to him. Now it sounds like he doesn't trust you. Talk is cheap, so the only way we can "prove" our inner intentions to another person is through actions over time. That said, perhaps he doesn't possess enough character yet to forgive you. It takes strength of character to forgive. Are you valuable enough to him for him to take the risk of reconnecting with you, and possibly, being hurt? You take the same risk. No one is perfect. We're human. We all screw up in many ways. If he doesn't think you're worth giving another chance, perhaps you might want to move on.

hi...well i've been with the love of my life for 3 years...we have a little boy together and we were so in love, but now it seems like he doesn't care anymore. we are on the verge of breaking up. he used to have a drug problem and that ruined our trust. he has been clean now and doing a good job being a dad, but our relationship is falling apart...we've already tried talking it out and he seems like hes ready to move on..he said he feels like its never going to change and that i will never trust him...but i know i will my only issue is that he doesn't seem to want to try anymore and show me that he still loves me...i can't loose him. i love him very much and i know he loves me i just dont know if he loves me enough anymore...our family was so wonderful and now its a mess...what do i do ..

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. He has broken up with me a dozen times (literally),I know he is scared and I know he has been screwed over in many ways from his last relationship of 7 years. The first time he left we were in a small fight I don't even remember what it was about but it wasn't worth splitting over, I was so heart broken I thought every thing was going well. We just fight ALL the time. We don't have the same likes or ideas. I get so many mixed signals from him and I don't know what to do, its not all bad thats why I'm still hanging in there. There is a lot of broken trust and hurt feelings from both sides he loves me a lot and I love him. Right now we are trying to decide weather to stay together or part ways. We are both afraid of being hurt and screwed over. We keep trying over and over to make things better but we just end up at the same old problems that we cant seem to get passed. I'm frustrated and exhausted. What to do?

I have been with my fiance for over a year now and a couple of weeks ago i cheated on him with someone at college. i only have feeling for my fiance and cannot understand why a drunken party ended like this. he spoke to the boy and is deeply upset and angry about what happened. as a result we have gone back to day 1 and i am now living back with my mother. i need advice on how to really make this work and last forever again? please reply. thank you.

Hi. i have been dating my girlfriend for just over 4 months. we actually met online, and had been communicating for almost a year before we decided to meet.....and initially there wasn't talk about maybe being interested in each other, until right before we met. the first month was incredible. we both felt this really strong connection. everything was great. then one night, easter weekend, we went and visited her family, about 5 hours away. in a small town that she used to live. we went out to a bar, and i got to meet one of her friends. while we were sitting there, i began wondering about her past. so much so that i asked about it, when we got back home. i was feeling insecure....and was curious if some of those guys in there, were people she had history with. anyway.....as soon as i started to bring up the questions....she reacted really strongly, and didn't want to talk about her past. she said she had a lot of hurt, and bad feelings associated with that. she sometimes has a hard time opening up.....but since that night, we have been fighting off and on.....but bad fights....stupid fights really. and then about 3 weeks ago, she broke up with me. i didn't want this to happen.....and she kept saying she loves me....and it was the fighting that made her decide to break up. they made her feel bad about herself....and there is this negativity, kind of clouding everything now......she came to a place where she doubted our future together. i talked to her, right away....and she agreed to give it another chance. its been three weeks....and she has been really distant, and guarded. we took a trip together, that was planned along time ago, and we had another fight. the other thing that is hard, is that we live about 200 miles away. although, we had planned, in a few months from now, that i was going to move the city where she lives.....and we both were excited about that.....she acts a little more scared about it now. i'm not sure what to do. i think that i sometimes mess things up. i really, really care about her, and i love her very much. i would do anything to repair this situation. we've talked about giving this relationship another try, to see if the feelings that we used to have come back.....to see if the cloud can be lifted. do you have any advice.....?

Hi, My wife and I have been married for eleven years and we have two children. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but we have always made it through. She comes from a very unemotional family (ie. no hugging or expressing of their feelings) and so she is also very unemotional. She has never been the huggy or kissy type, but i have let it go because I could always get the closeness and loving feeling through sexual relations. Over the past 3 months she has taken to sleeping in our spare room rather then coming to bed and sleeping in our bed. I finally confronted her about this because it was starting to bother me, and she told me she is not sure who she is and is trying to figure out who she is as a person. She said she has been a mother and wife but doesn't know who she is as a person. She also said that she just gets a better night's sleep in her own bed because I snore. I confronted her and asked the hard question about if she wanted to continue the relationship, and she said she didn't know. I have been giving her time to try and figure this out, but I was wondering how long should I give her? What is a reasonable amount of time?

i was recently have doubts about my relationship with my girlfriend. we have been together about a year. her and her daughter were living with me about 9 months. and about the last 6 weeks or so she seemed to get distant from me. she wouldn't talk to me didn't want to kiss me and would come to bed after i was asleep. so i talked to her mother and sister about anything that she may have talked to them about. i also made the mistake of telling them of my concerns and if the relationship would be able to continue. i had decided that i wanted the relationship to continue and was going to try to make things work. but before i could talk to her mother and sister again they talked to her and told her i was thinking about ending the relationship. and after that she promptly moved out and ended things. however i love her and her daughter so much and want to have another go at our relationship. but she wont hear of it at the moment. i need some advice as to what i can do to fix things between us.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than a year. It has been absolutely wonderful and we were starting our plans to move back to the same city and get engaged. All of a sudden, many people in my life, (parents, friends, sister) started telling me that he was wrong for me. They say he is immature and over-dramatic and can't handle social situations. Some of that is true...he is a bit immature and over-dramatic, but he says he is working to change all that. I think he can change most of it, but my family is so important to me that I am struggling to make a decision. I love him and the time we have together alone is PERFECT! It's when we get around my family/friends that I get really nervous. Any advice?

My boyfriend of 6 years ended our relationship quite abruptly about 2 months ago. We live together and work together (we have very little time apart). We have definitely had our ups and downs. We have always had trouble making up after a fight, it seems that neither one of us know how to end the fight. We often end up fighting about things that do not matter to either one of us. And the fights we do have always seem to be the same one over and over again. During or leading up to our fight I get very afraid that he will abandon me, I think this is why I get defensive when he tries to express any negative feelings to me. I don't want to be defensive and I know that often he just needs to get it off his chest so he can feel better. I have known for sometime that I was not happy with my reactions towards him. I will get mad about things that I know don't really matter to me at all, and wake up in the morning after these times with immense regret. I love him deeply. Aside from our troubles we really have a great time together and feel very excited about each other. he always has good things to say about me to our friends and family, everyone we know was shocked that we were having troubles. About a week or so before he ended our relationship we befriended a girl and I invited her to hike with us. They flirted that day and I noticed. That night I told him he didn't love me anymore he was just used to me, I didn't mean it, I was just mad and was looking for a specific reaction, which I know is destructive. The night before he ended our relationship he met her for a coffee, he said he just felt like he had to. He has gone back and forth with us. He has still continued to be intimate with me and we have still continued to spend a lot time together but, every couple of weeks he contacts her again (he says he just gets this feeling like he must see her and doesn't think twice). During one of their meetings she told him she would wait for him forever. He said he feels like he can talk to her about things he can't talk to me about. And also says he wants to be able to tell me these things and wants to be open with me, he just doesn't know how to, or doesn't feel that he will ever be able to. I know that I was wrong in many ways in the past and I have taken steps over the last 2 months to understand why I have done this but, part of him thinks it is to late. He feels very bad about acting on his impulse to see her but, he feels like they are so much alike. I feel like he is finding the things in her that are lacking with him and I. I know what I have done wrong. I know I have made him feel that he can't always trust me with all of his feelings. I have been focusing on why I react to him the way I do and have finally been honest with myself about making a serious change, but I think it is to late. Is there any advice for me as to what to do to help him trust me with his feelings again? I have asked him if he ever sees us getting back together and he says he does not know he feels like life is easier when he is around her. We have made some nice progress with an open line of communication lately, we have gone far back into our relationship to pin point the things that closed him off but I don't know if this is going to be enough. He can't seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel. he really likes that we are communicating now. He tells me that he feels so good after we have talked about things that he has never felt comfortable telling me, yet it doesn't seem like this is enough to take us over the hump yet. I know he loves me, I know he thinks I am an amazing person, I know we have a lot of great to build on. I just don't know if he will stick this tough time out long enough to see it through. Any advice for us?

I just finalized my divorce with my wife of five years. We had struggled for about two and a half years of the marriage and didn't want to admit that we probably just weren't right for each other. There was a very difficult in-law problem that worsened our own issues. Anyways, about 18 months ago I had a relationship with another woman, who I'd known before my marriage, and I believed that this relationship was not an affair. She was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I still feel that way today. Unfortunately, however, throughout the divorce process I struggled to give her everything that she needed and we broke up a number of times. We finally agreed that we shouldn't be trying to have this relationship until my divorce was complete, because she was giving everything and I was falling short with so much else on my plate. We still kept in touch occasionally and truly believed that once the divorce was final that we'd be together. Well, I finalized the divorce this last week and now this woman who I know loved me with all of her heart just a few months ago has decided to move on, because I didn't make her schedule, and didn't treat her right during my time of pain. I know I put her through the same hell I was going through along the way. I want her back and don't have a clue as to where to start. She has asked me not to call her or email her. However, she'd done the same thing previously and then come back to me to try again a couple of months later. I do truly love this woman and want to know how to start the process of getting her to understand that now that the divorce is over, I can give her what she wants and needs. Any advice?

My girlfriend of 10 months and I have just recently called it quits. Well at least I think we have. During our relationship, we have never had a fight, nor have we even really had an argument. Just a couple of weeks ago, I began feeling "separated" from her, you know distant. She is a full time student and very busy, and my work schedule doesn't allow us much time together. If we want to see each other, she has to stay up later than she should for school. When I get home, I am not ready to go to bed. I need to unwind, eat and relax a little first. This makes her really tired the next day. I've told her she doesn't have to stay up for me, and if she wants to go to bed before I get home, its OK. She says no because that's the only time we get together, which makes me feel bad that I am the reason shes always so tired. But it makes me happy she feels this way. Now, last weekend, there was a "wall" between us that we both felt. We talked about it for a little bit, then she went out with her friend Dan for the whole afternoon. Her and Dan have been friends for a long time, and I knew this. There has never been anything more between them that just being best friends. We finally started talking about what we felt, so this was a mutual feeling. We were going out that night with her brother, but after we "talked", she asked me if I would be mad if I didn't go, so she could spend time with her brother. She hadn't seen him for 9 months. I said that I understood, but it hurt really bad that she didn't want me around. We have always done things together, and now it felt like she didn't want anything to do with me. This really hurt me. Finally on Sunday, she told me that she didn't know what she wanted anymore, and that she was going to stay at Dan's that night to try to figure things out. On Monday, I asked her if she wanted this relationship to end. She told me she needed time away from me to figure out why she was feeling this way. She told me that she still loves me but to give her time. I try to give her time, but it kills me not hearing from her or not seeing her. I am alone in this three bedroom house, and she has been staying at Dan's. My questions to you are as follows: Should I keep waiting for her and give her all the time she needs to think, hoping she will change her mind, and how do I deal with the fear and pain of not knowing the outcome of her being away, also do I need to just let her go completely so I can start healing for myself? Keeping in mind that I love her so much, and she still says that she loves me too. Please help me decide what I need to do. I don't want to get mad at her for hurting me, but everyday this gets harder. Please help me.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. Things have been OK up until the past 6 months. I have been extremely insecure and jealous, especially toward women of the opposite sex. A few months ago my husband was traveling more often for business, and I started freaking out. For the past 10 years of our marriage he was at a different job that didn't require a lot of traveling and female interaction. I was checking his cell phone bill and emails to see if he was cheating on me even though it was unwarranted. He has decided that we should see a counselor because of my issues. He swears that he loves me and would do nothing to hurt me. I just don't get why I am such a paranoid freak. I did find a few emails that were inappropriate but not unprofessional. Please share your thoughts with me.

I have been with my fiance for 2 years. We just got engaged in March of this year, and he recently found out that I cheated on him. We talked and decided to work on things, but his family wants me gone. Not only is it hard enough to try to gain his trust back now, but his brother is always telling him that he is stupid for trying to work things out with me. I just don't know how to convince him that I love him, and he is the one I want to be with. I understand that his trust will take time to regain but I just can't help but think that he is going to wake up one morning and regret not listening to his brother. What do I do?

My wife and I were together for five years before we got married. Now we have been married for two years, and it's been very rocky. My wife has problems trusting me due to some money issues I've had. I got behind on all my bills and everything snowballed on me. I'm starting to think that she is looking for a way out of the relationship by hanging out with people from work more often. I also get the impression that she has cheated on me more then once. She told me about one time, but I'm getting the impression there has been others. I'm starting to lose trust in her, but I don't want to lose her. I need help, please let me know what your thoughts are.

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years now and have a son of 4 months. We used to live in Tampa, and I was so young that all I wanted to do was have fun and go out clubbing. We had our weekends, but when I told him to go with me clubbing his excuse was that he didn't like that atmosphere. I then became pregnant and couldn't go out for my 21st birthday and became bored of life for 8 months. We then moved to Miami and have been in my parents home. Since we moved its been nothing but problems, because his best friends live down here and all he wants to do is chill with them. I have tried to communicate with him and tell him to keep our relationship strong. We should limit going out with friends to once a month. Just last week he went out and came home at six in the morning after going out to the club, after telling me he doesn't like the atmosphere, but with his friends it's good and dandy. I only ask that when he goes out to take me too and if he does go out not to come home so late. I would let him stay till 2 or 3 but he says I'm to controlling. I'm seriously not controlling I just can't stand that he wants to go his separate way on weekends and comes home so late. Why can't he just chill with his friends one day at the beach and drink some beers on an evening or at a bar at night and not get home so late? We are so close to a break up because of his friends, who are all single. That is why I think he wants to act like he is single too when he is around them. He can't compromise, so I guess we should just end it. What do you think?

I recently started seeing a man who I've developed deep feelings for. Initially I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted, and then told him I needed time to figure it out. We had been dating for two months and he was nothing but understanding and reassuring to me. He did everything right, and my feelings for him grew quickly. I was scared at the quickness of my growing feelings, especially since he's in the middle of an uncontested divorce, but I didn't share them as readily because of this fear. I left for a work trip, and didn't speak with him much while I was gone. I felt, and I thought he also felt that I needed the time to assess my feelings and what I wanted. My uncertainty has taken its toll on him, and when I returned I could see its affects. He was angry with me, and hurt and because of this change I couldn't bring myself to tell him I was ready to be exclusive with him. He told me one week later that he couldn't see me the way he's been seeing me, and now he won't give me an opportunity to show him how I feel. He knows how I feel now. I should have told him earlier, but I wanted to be sure, for his sake and my own. How can I mend our relationship? I truly feel I can't lose this man in my life. He's impacted me in ways I've never experienced before, and I need help making things right.

I was with my girlfriend for two years. Situations permitted me to go across the country to live. The plan was for me to send for her in a month or two. It turned into five long lonely months for us both. After about three months I cheated on her. I told her and she broke up with me. I always knew I loved her, but now I see that I am in love with her. She means everything to me. I couldn't even go through with the full act of cheating. I ended up stopping within minutes. Now she doesn't believe a word I say. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. We both acknowledge that we are soul mates. We are still thousands of miles apart. We make each other better in every way and both know that. We also both feel that we wont find another person like the other. How can I make it up to her. Every day I feel so guilty. It kills me that I hurt an angel. We were supposed to get married. We are worse people apart and better together, and we both know that but her pain and distrust is so great. What am I to do? Please help , we need each other to be happy.

Hey there. First, I must say I'm glad I found this on the internet. Now for the problem. Me and my fiance used to live in different homes. When we did, we got along perfectly. I did all kinds of things to make her happy, and we hardly ever ran into problems save for my love of technology. However, we have recently decided to move into a home together. We thought everything would be fine. I would keep making her happy and in turn she would do the same, without making it seem like we work for each other. Unfortunately, we were totally wrong about that prediction. We tend to fight every single waking moment of the day, usually about me not doing my part. I will admit, I haven't really done much since we started living together. The problem is, I can't bring myself to pick up where I left off. I have no desire to do the things I need to do to make things work between us. That's my problem out of the way. On her side of this, she always brings up past problems like how I didn't do something last month. She can never focus on a day-to-day basis. Maybe, I'm wrong for thinking she should. I guess the question I'm trying to ask is, how can I bring myself to do the things I used to? How can I attempt to repair the damage done? Is all this fighting the beginning of the end? Oh I hope not. If I'm bringing this question up on the wrong site I apologize, however any constructive response is much appreciated. I cannot begin to imagine life without her. Thank you very much in advance.

Hello, my girlfriend and I have been going out for a year, and I have been sensing things have been going wrong while I was having a depression moment. When I pick myself up, she breaks up with me. Is there any way to fix this? Please respond. I really care for her and want to figure out whats wrong as well as get back together with her. Thanks in advance mate.

Hi. I am engaged to a wonderful man. I have a child from a previous marriage and I have a little girl with my fiance. We have been together for three years now.Our relationship has always been fulfilling and wonderful to me, but recently my fiance started telling me that I have never brought any value to his life and that the only time he will have peace of mind is when he is rid of me. He has been very cold towards me and has told me on more than one occasion to take my sh*t and leave. I have never left as my daughter is an issue and he won't let me take her with me, even though the laws in SA say that a father of a child that is born out of wedlock has no automatic rights towards the child and that custody automatically goes to the mother. He will pick a fight with me every day about stupid things like not telling him when i go to the shop or anything that is out of the normal routine of my day. It's like he wants me to report to him, yet he has all the freedom to do what he wants. He has entertained woman hitting on him although I believe that he has never slept with anyone else, I found the evidence of these email conversations and I let it go. He is a porn addict, and his phone is full of porn, he has more pornos than you can imagine, and when I tell him that it makes me feel insecure, he tells me that I am being silly about it and that boys will be boys. I love him more than anything and the good times that we've had have been awesome, the highlight of my life. I know that we can be happy again, I just don't know how to be perfect enough for him as he will always find fault with me, and my actions. I feel like a puppet on a string and it's killing my personality. I don't know whether to stay or leave? He is verbally abusive and calls me names. I won't say what he calls me as other readers may not appreciate it, but it's bad. He pushed me once and I fell. He felt really bad about it and cried. But the verbal abuse is swept under the carpet. Should I stay or should I cut my losses, take my kids and leave? I think that he is insecure, but I don't know why as I have never given him any reason to be insecure about anything. Please help me fix this.

Hello, my girlfriend and I have been going out for 2 months, and it was great until about a week ago. We still love each other but neither of us know what the problem is. Were both are still in love, but she says I was trying to hard to be the perfect boyfriend. She likes to argue and so do I, but we didn't at all because I wasn't sure how it would affect us. So she told me to just be myself and I agreed I hadn't been. Were gonna talk about everything, but I just want to know what I should do. I know were not gonna break up, but we need to sort things out.

Hi Alex, her advice to just be yourself is very good. I would not worry so much. How can she get closer to the real you when you are putting up a false front. Be honest and communicate your ideas and feelings in the best way that you can.

Hey, I broke up with my boyfriend about a month and a half ago, because he was extremely busy and I felt complete neglect. I felt a lot better that I had the stress and sadness from a dying relationship off my mind, and I stopped all relations with him for that time being. I started dealing with a new guy soon after, and everything was going great until I saw my ex and his family at a function. I talked to him and hugged him and his mom, and everything felt right. I knew right then and there I missed him to a crazy extent and I wanted him back. The next day he talked to me asking, "why are you with 2093 if you still love me." I had told his mom I still adored him, and I told him I didn't know. We talked more that night, but as soon as he found out about my advanced relations with the new guy he got extremely angry and told me nothing could ever happen again between us. He was giving up entirely and does not want to love me anymore. I broke up with my boyfriend that night in complete confusion of what I wanted. I broke his heart completely and feel so sick for what I did. I tried so hard for my ex to listen to me and talk to me about the situation, but he said he will not change his mind. My recent ex wants to get back together very badly, and misses me terribly, but I just don't feel the way I do towards my late ex. I cant help but love him, should I move on and put all my efforts towards the new guy? Or should I keep holding on, with promise that maybe one day things will be better. What do you think?

I have been with my boyfriend for five months and it seems like I'm always doing something wrong, we are very much in love and he doesn't seem to want to break up with me. I have never been in a long term relationship before how can I make him stop getting so angry and can you give me some tips for being a better girlfriend thanks.

Hi Melissa, you need to examine if you are indeed doing anything that would necessitate the angry behavior on his part. If you have not done anything unusually awful then you must ask yourself if his anger is appropriate. Why are you feeling that you are the one that needs to be better in the relationship? Have you considered that he may need to examine why he has angry outbursts so often?

Admin, I am in a six yr. relationship and have a 21 month old daughter. We bought a ring this past December. Ever since, it has slowly fallen apart, mostly stupid arguments that by the time we are done arguing, we had no idea what we were arguing about. Just yesterday she told me she wants to go on a break because she doesn't know if the feelings are still there, but she still loves me. I don't get that part. I have mentioned in the past that we should take a break, but I can't honestly say I wasn't serious. she is the love of my life, and I am going absolutely crazy, and it's only been one day. How can we fix a relationship if she doesn't want us to see each other for a couple weeks? I would say this decision is mostly my fault, because I can be a bit of a.... She says she feels bad, but she doesn't know what to do. I told her I would change. Some things I could change quickly, and some I told her would take time. I'm just at a total loss for words. I'm sitting here in the house that we own by myself hitting rock bottom and waiting for her decision on what she wants to do. Is there anything I can do?

Hi Jared, when you see her again ask if you could tell her what is really in your heart. I would not worry about whether your feelings may or may not get hurt. It is important to let her know this. You need to both talk this over and be honest with one another about what is going wrong with your relationship. Ask her for her opinion and just quietly listen to her feelings. If you are able to communicate and she is willing to try to work on the relationship it can move in a more positive direction.

The boyfriend was out with his buddies, and with a lack of good judgment, decided to play strip poker with two of the other guys and two girls he will never see again. After feeling incredibly guilty, the guy told his girlfriend, whom he had always been great to and never done anything like this whatsoever. The guy would never do something like this ever again. Could this relationship still function? And if so, could it jump back to the level it was before the mess up? How do things move forward from here? Also, there was absolutely no touching in the game whatsoever, the guy made sure of that. The boyfriend is me and the girlfriend is my girlfriend. I want things fixed. How can we do this and move forward. She wants them fixed too. We both want to move on. How and what needs to be done?

Hi Chris, The best thing to do is to try and be honest and communicate about this. It sounds as if the two of you are doing just that. Keep moving away from the past and leave it there. You have learned from your mistake and have grown from the experience. Your girlfriend will either trust that you have learned from this or she will not. That decision is up to her. Together you can rebuild the level of trust you once had. It takes two people to do that. She needs to also agree to leave this in the past in order for the two of you to have a good relationship where this incident is not brought up constantly in future disagreements.

I am a Virgo female who has been "dating" a Taurus male off and on for several years. I believe we are soul mates with life experiences, past and present, that have kept us from being together as husband and wife. What are your thoughts on how to move past this dating cycle and on to marriage?

I'm 18 and before May, I had never been out with a girl before. Mainly because I was too shy. Anyway now I have a girlfriend, she is 17, and she is fantastic, but the only problem was that all her ex boy friends were like 21 and so were experienced in relationships and sex, etc. She didn't want to scare me off and she said as she was my first we would take things slow. But now after two months she says the spark is fading and everything is becoming routine. I still love her greatly, with passion but as we took things slow we have not had sex yet, and i feel we needed that in order to open up to each other and have a good relationship. So now there is not enough spark for her to feel passionate towards me. To make matters worse I am going off to University in October and she says she's worried about the long distance thing. I don't know what to do, do we need a bit of a break from each other, do we need to spend more time with each other, or should I take her out for a romantic dinner?

I've been dating a guy for about three months now, and have known him for about five months. Things have been going well until recently, when I freaked out one night when I couldn't get in touch with him. I knew it was something innocent, but spiraled out of control. The fears I sparked that night have been tainting the happiness of the relationship since. I want to tell him what's going on, but don't know how to handle it since he's on the road a lot lately. I don't want to give up on the relationship because I know it was my fears and hurts from past relationship experiences bringing up this overreaction. I'd love to hear your advice!

I split up with my girlfriend of two years. Our biggest problem is my video game addiction. I have removed all the video games from my apartment. I have been improving a lot, but I wish to get back together with her. But I can't tell if she wants to or not. She says she can't see us together right now and gives off other signals that it could possibly work out but she also gives off signals that it wont. She still has some of her stuff at the apartment that I know mean a great deal to her. They belonged to her father. She does come over to visit me and still will talk to me. I really love her a lot and want to be with her, and she knows how I feel. But I do not know what she really wishes to happen, and it is really tearing me apart.

Hi Adam, You need to communicate to her how you feel and that it is not fair to be left hanging like this. The video game problem is probably not the only problem. When someone is in love they are usually willing to work on issues and come to some type of compromise.

Hi Ann, How will he know if you don't communicate this to him. When you are able to get in touch with him, it would be a good idea to admit to being afraid because of your past experiences. He needs to understand where those feelings are coming from. It may be a good idea for you to seek counseling on this issue.

Hello, I have been dating a girl for a year and a half and love her very much. Over this year I have screwed up many times by going to a party with girls there texting another girl, lied about it, and she forgiven me. I have also lied about little stupid things that shouldn't even matter. But recently I went to a party and burned myself and my girlfriend asked me how I burned it. I told her a lie and said I burned it off a skillet. She kept asking me if that's really what happened, and I continued to lie. One of the people at the party videoed it, and she saw it and called me and asked me again how I burned myself. I still lied and promised her I burned it on a skillet. The next day I decided to tell her the truth and she broke down. She doesn't seem to believe that she can ever trust me again and that she will always remember that I lied to her face. I absolutely hate lie, but I seem to keep doing it, and I keep hurting my girlfriend. I feel like I can honestly tell her the truth about anything at this moment, and I confessed everything I have hidden from her. But she still feels the same way. I want her to believe me that I don't want to lie and that I can change. We have planned out our future together and my plans for college and career only work with her in it. We have named our kids and planned our future. I want to live the rest of my life with this girl but some how I have to get her trust back. She wants the same thing but she doesn't feel she can ever trust me again or leave it behind. Can you please give me some advice.

I have been with my partner for some time. We got engaged five months into the relationship. I used to trust him, but he broke my trust once. He had his Ex at our home while I was at work. He never told me about it and I heard down at the track from his Ex. Since then, I don't trust him. I don't know if he is the right person or not. He likes to look at other women. He doesn't seem to like or love me anymore. I Don't know what to do. I asked him to talk to me and he says he is too tired but when his Mom calls he talks to her. She is very racist and I don't like her as I am Asian. Tonight he asked me to leave the house so he could put his profile up on the internet for dating. Am I going out with a pig. I am confused. I left my family to be with him. He is a mommy's boy and needs his mother around all the time.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years a couple weeks ago I had a really bad day and took it out on him and broke up with him for no reason. Next day I realized what a big mistake I made. He took it really hard because we were doing so good and were so happy. And now he doesn't think it's gonna work out if we get back together because "history repeats itself," and we had broken up twice before for a real short time in the past two years. I'm heart broken, even though I'm the one who made the mistake and did this to him. I'm hurting so bad because I truly know how much he loves me and has always taken such good care of me and making sure I was always happy. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be friends with him but he's taking it really hard and doesn't really wanna talk much, it's really weird and hard not having him in my life because he was such a positive support in my life. How do I fix this? There's no question about him loving me, but how do I fix how I have hurt him and make him feel safe about us not going through this break up thing over and over again?

My ex-boyfriend and I literally went through hell the past year, everyone says we have gone through things that couples don't go through in years. I made my mistakes in the relationship and so has he. He tried to fix the relationship and so have I, but we can't seem to both try at the same time. We broke up about a month ago after I found out he was using online dating services and talking to girls. For the last month we have not been together, but still communicate. The only way I will go back with him is if he proves to me he is no longer talking to anyone, and honestly try to make things work. We have gone back and forth on this issue, but when it comes down to him logging off those services I have yet to see this happen. I also asked for his passwords so that I can verify he will not create another one, and to make sure he lost all connections. I know that this might not be the right thing to do, but that is the only way I feel I can begin to trust him. I don't know if he truly means it, but I need more than words. I am also tired of just hanging on, I tell him to either do something or leave me alone to get over him.

Hi, I have been talking to this girl for about a year. We just started to make it serious and official, but now she might be overwhelmed by me. We used to talk all day. She has school and soccer every day, and she is stressing. But now we are on a "break" which I am afraid of that word because break seems like it never works out. But she says she likes me so much. She just wants to start doing well in school an focusing on stuff. I know I have to just give her space and let her live, but i don't know how much space to give her and when to text her, or do I just wait?

Hi, My girlfriend wants to break up with me because she felt something is missing in our relationship. She claims that it is work for me to be with her and that I don't communicate my emotions and feelings to her. She feels that I'm taking her for granted. I must admit that she is right, I haven't expressed myself fully to her since we started dating. All this has been happening for the past six months. Now she wants to break up with me. She knows I love her and I know she loves me too. She is very caring to towards me. She wants me to be more outgoing emotionally and communicate more. I am trying to tell her that I can be that man given time. I need time and her support. I am very reserved and should open up to her more. I have asked her to give me some time and her support. She claims that our relationship cannot be fixed. She has given me one week. What can I do to bring us back together? I will do whatever is needed to revive this relationship. I don't want to loose her. She is the one I love the most in this cruel world. What should I do?

Hi Chetan, It is hard to change from a reserved person in one week. Are you sure that this is not just an excuse on her part to end the relationship? If it is a solid relationship then it will take the two of you to do it together. This would not be a one person job. She would need to communicate her needs to you as you are learning to respond in a new way.

Hi, I have been with my girlfriend for over 2 yrs. Things were great a few things to fix. I broke it off with her and she was devastated. I recently a month ago realized I wanted to be with her and have her back in my home. She tells me she loves me, she is in love with me, and she wants to come back home. Were currently working on our issues from a distance. When I ask her how her thoughts and feelings are coming along? She simple says I don't know? Or things are looking up. Again she tells me all these positive things. But when I ask her to come back she says she doesn't know. We are exclusive. She is distant sometimes and close others. Very hot and cold. I realize I hurt her. I just don't understand? If she loves me, is in love with me, and wants to come back home? Why doesn't she? Please help this situation it is driving me crazy. I have given her a month so far. I feel like I am being pulled along for a game. She says it's not a game. I want to hold on. Sometimes its hard. How long do I give her?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. We have a daughter together. This Christmas, he had planed to ask me to marry him, but all of a sudden he has started lying. This same situation happened about a year and a half ago. He started to hang out with old friends, who don't have commitments such as girlfriends, or a child. He ended up moving out and getting a new girlfriend, last time because of this, stopped seeing me and his daughter. He ended up coming back a few months later because he found out his new best friend has been sleeping with his new girlfriend. So, the other night he didn't come home. He is the type that wont stay out over night, and he came home and said I don't love you anymore. He won't move out so I've set up the spare bedroom for him, I'm not cooking or doing anything I used to do for him. What should I do? I love him, and we have a daughter together. But when I try to talk to him he blames everything on me. CONFUSED!

My boyfriend and I have been going out for seven months on and off,breaking up and making up. This time I told myself that nothing could possibly break us up because we had been through the worst of times, and I had forgiven him for not trusting me and for being so insecure and jealous. He promised that he would fight for this relationship, and I trusted him when he said that. Now three nights ago this guy friend of mine that he knows calls me in the middle of the night. I was also honestly just as surprised as he was at the call but he didn't believe that. He thinks I'm cheating on him, but I'm not,I love him with all of my heart. I would never do anything to hurt or betray him. His only problem is that he is insecure with himself and he thinks I am going to leave him or something. He is so hurt and angry and is not talking to me. I need to make things right between us before he leaves next year so that our long distance relationship is based on trust. Please help me make him trust me and help me get him back into my life where he belongs. He's a Libra so he's very stubborn, and I'm an Aquarius.

I have this really good guy friend. We used to be really close. Then I found out he liked me, and I liked him. Then he was planning to ask me out, but I guess I chickened out and got scared. I gave him the silent treatment and then we made up. Then something happened and he gave me the silent treatment. Now we don't talk at all. I really want to be his friend again, because I liked what we had as friends. And I don't know if he feels the same way. I want to do something, but I don't know where to start.

Aimee, you sound like you have made up your mind already and have decided to take a stand now for what you believe is right and for what you want out of life.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We have recently been drifting apart from each other and I'm not sure what to do to fix it. We hardly talk because he says when he attempts to talk to me I get snippy and act like a b and its usually when I'm "sarcastically" joking with him. I tell him this and he doesn't see it as me being funny. We are both Master's degree students and he tells me all the time about how much harder is school is and how mine is so easy and it makes me feel like he thinks less of what I am trying to accomplish. I feel like I am supportive of his goals and do not feel that he does mine. I have told him about it and all he seems to focus on is the fact that we are having a less intimate relationship. I've gotten to the point where I have no desire to be intimate with him. I feel like this relationship is really one sided and talking about it doesn't really seem to solve anything. It becomes a blame fest and I'm really getting sick of it. Should we keep talking or are we beating our head against a brick wall?

When a girl says shes not ready for you, is that what she really means or is it just a cop out? I'm tired of this always happening, I think I'm too laid back. And on top of that the last five dates I've been on the girl cries to me the second day or so. Then they want nothing to do with me, or turn me into the best friend. Anything enlightening suggestions I can practice with my dating life? Because I'm really tired of this happening all the time.

Oh Mason, when she says she is not ready for you she means it. By the way what do you mean by ready for you anyway? Many young women don't want to hop in the sack you know or get married right away and live happily ever after. Many ladies want to experience life in general a little bit and find out who they are before they settle down with a man. Many young men feel the same way. Is it so wrong to only want to be friends? Think about it a bit.

Hello Admin, me and my girl have been going out for 6 months now and we already moved in together. Yeah I know a big step, but I really love her and she really loves me. She's the type of girl that likes for me to call her and text her all the time. She says she misses me all the time and that's why she calls me. I don't mind but I'm also the type of person that likes to have some time to myself to just zone out and clear my head. I go to college and go to work right after. When I get out of work and catch the bus to go home, I like to just enjoy the bus ride, put on my music, and zone out so I can relieve stress from school and work. The thing is she's a phone person who loves to talk on the phone while I love to text because I'm not a phone person at all and I never have been. I rather text because it allows me to listen to my music, relax, zone out in between each text messages, and also have a little bit of alone time to myself. When I told her that she told me she can't do that because she rather talk on the phone because she missed me a lot and likes to hear my voice. Then she tells me the relationship can't be because she don't think she can do that. I don't know what to do. I love her a lot. We built a life together, and I don't want to leave it behind or let it fall apart. I told her I like to have my own little alone time and she took it as I need space and now shes giving me too much space. To the point where I'm going crazy, and I miss her more than ever now. What can I do to get her back?

Hi Josh, I think it is a matter of maturity. It is high school behavior on her part. If you don't do or like what I want then you are to be punished. You are your own person with his own personality and that is to be respected. You are working hard and need the down time between school and work. You told her what your true nature and feelings were. Do you want to change and become what ever it is that pleases her at any given time in order to be together?

Hey, me and my girlfriend have being dating for a while now, and we were connected for a while. But for a couple of months, all we have been doing is arguing. We are two different people with opposite personalities. I'm very clingy and she is very to herself. And this often leads us to problems. It makes the relationship very hard and we both say things we don't mean out of anger because of it. We both want to fix things and make it better. But what are things we can do?

I am losing the one that I love, and it's because I haven't been there for her. I am always focused on other things that are less of a meaning in life. Right now she feels as if she has wasted her time focusing on me and not focusing on her life. I can't focus on anything anymore except the fact that I'm losing her. Please help.