Fixing Relationships: Honest Communication Can Help Save a Relationship

My girlfriend read some of my MSN Chat History--read some things that she didn't like--but I haven't cheated on her. Is there anyway I can repair this, because she dumped my sorry ass? I don't know how to win her back with a fresh start. Please help. I LOVE her, and need her back with me. Thanks for your time.

Thanks for your question, Steve. Well, you can't do the repair, because you're not the one whose heart was damaged (even though you're hurting now). She needs to do the repairing herself. You would need to be brutally honest with yourself and her by telling her what was going on with you regarding the MSN Chats--what you were wanting/needing from the on-line interactions. It's your *actions* that influenced her to stop trusting you, so it's unlikely that your *words* alone will influence her to trust you again. What she "trusts" now is your actions--that you were interested in engaging in the chats. That's the truth. Did you enjoy the chats? Would you like to continue them? If so, that's up to you. However, she didn't seem to enjoy that you enjoyed them. Perhaps the two of you have different values in this regard and are not a good match. Did you violate your values by doing the chats? If so, can you give her reason to trust in your future actions?

My girlfriend of over a year has recently become distant, I approached her about it multiple times and she refused to admit anything was wrong, then a week or so after the feelings started to arise in her she finally told me that she was having doubts about where our relationship is headed. But before I get into this I should clarify some things. Throughout our relationship I have been pretty jealous, controlling, insecure...I have had no reason to be insecure as she's a beautiful morality-driven girl who would never cheat on me. I have got less and less of all of the above through the length of our relationship, but recently she's been wanting to experiment with alcohol, and me being a bonehead, I got upset everytime she mentioned it. I more or less acted like she killed my best friend. Now she has not given up on me from what she says because I realized I've been wrong and need to give her space to grow, but I need to change some things. I've been so shaken up by this and emotionally distraught I have been acting incredibly happy to try and change her mood, and more lovey than usual, sending her 2-page e-cards telling her how I feel about it. She came out to me today and said I'm pushing her away by completely changing who I am, and acting artificially happy. I have been happy, but not as much as I've let on...I want to make an honest effort at getting our relationship back on track. Besides the obvious of drop all of the "acting" and just return to the person she fell in love with, any suggestions?

Hey, Joshua. Instead of "return to the person she fell in love with," I'm going to challenge you to keep maturing--to "grow into the person you truly are." Sounds like you're growing out of (little by little) the kind of immature game playing many of us have had to let go of. The best thing you can do for your relationship is to keep being honest with yourself and others, and keep discarding game playing. Get real. Let your emotional shake-up serve you to release "soap opera" relating and, even more, come from your heart. Thank you for your question.

My girlfriend and I have been together almost one year. It has been wonderful, but foolishly I wasn't sure that I was ready for this kind of a commitment, feeling as though I would be missing out on things as a college student. I broke up with her, then realized it was a mistake. She has already decided to give me another chance, but she is has been very much "on guard," and I am afraid of whether or not she will be able to move past this. I love her dearly and realize now I want to be with her forever. Is there any way to fix this other than giving it time?

Hi, Mike. It may be difficult, but see if you can relax. You were just human. She's human, too--she doesn't walk on water (I don't think... :-) and also has made mistakes in her life. Try not to co-create a "she's good, but I'm bad" dynamic. You made a choice, discovered your core values more deeply by learning why you felt how you felt, changed your mind (became more in sync with yourself), asked for forgiveness / a second chance, and she agreed. It's easy to understand why she might be on guard, as your actions appear to have eroded some of her trust in you. So be it. Part of growing up is learning to truly forgive. We all have made mistakes, so let's be compassionate with one another; give each other a break. If she can find and stay in touch with her heart, she can get you're both only human and this "breakdown" can deepen your love for each other.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year, and a couple of days ago she said she didn't know what she wanted and broke it off with me. What should I do. I love this girl more then anything in the world. Should I talk to her? If I should, what should I say. I'm lost and hurt.

Hi, John. Well, it's hard to give advice not knowing if your ex-girlfriend is being fully honest with you, or not. She might not know what she wants, but she apparently doesn't want you. That can be VERY tough to hear, I know. There may be someone else in whom she's attracted. My suggestion is to use your intuition, which might be hard to sense right now. Nonetheless, get quiet. Breathe. Let your emotions flow. Get in touch with your Inner Knower--the place inside where your highest wisdom lives. If you sense it's wise to reach out to her, do so. Don't focus on getting back together. Place your attention on trying to truly understand how she's feeling, what's she needing, what she's wanting. Listen. Of course, she has to want that. If not, you probably need to let her go and move on.

My Fiancé and I have been on a rollercoaster for the past year and a half. We have been together for 2 yrs. It seems like we can't get out of a rut. Some very major things have happened, abortion, then misscarrage, family drama and a bunch more. He does smoke weed which I would like him to stop. Do you have any advice on how to get him to stop with the drugs, and how do we move on from the losses we have been through?

Hi, Nell. I won't give you any advice about opening up more, since you seem clear you need and want to do that. Congratulations, it's a big step. What strikes me in reading your message is that your Fiancé seems indifferent, uncertain, undecided. My direct question to him would be, "Do you want to spend the rest of your life married to this woman?" It all starts from there. If not, marriage is a mistake in my view. Regarding him being "the love of your life," I know it feels that way right now. And...the world is a VERY BIG place. Opportunity abounds, even if you cannot see it.

I have been with my Fiancé for 6 years and recently we have been having a lot of trouble. He says I don't know how to be in a relationship because I don't know how to communicate and turn him on. I have always had to care for myself so it is hard to depend on others. I don't lie to him but I do keep a lot of stuff from him, so that both of us don't have to stress about it but he has a problem with me keeping him out of the loop. Until now I didn't think I was doing anything wrong but then the father of my child contacted me after 10 years and I didn't tell him about because I had no intentions of replying but my fiance found out and doesn't think our relationship can't make it through but I do. He said he doesn't know if we can continue planning our future together but he doesn't want to be without me, what can I do to make this situation right? I never seen what I was doing is wrong and I have now realized that maybe due to my past I don't know how to be in a relationship, please help. He is the love of my life and I am willing to do whatever to keep him even if I have to give up my independence. Thank you.

My girlfriend and I have been going out for 5 months and are very much in love. I recently went away, and she took it really hard for the 8 days I was gone. I had encouraged her to be with her friends while I was gone. A few days into my absence, she told me that she wanted to take a break so she could investigate her options. I love this girl and I do not want this to happen. What should I do?

The question I would ask myself is, "Why do I want to be with someone who does not want to be with me?" I also encourage you to deeply examine what you mean by the word "love" and see if any of what you feel might be "dependence" or "co-dependence." That said...you could always let her know you'd like to talk to her about her feelings. Perhaps she'd willing to go beyond game playing, tell you how she truly feels about you, and honestly let you know what she's wanting to "investigate." Still, the most powerful thing you can do is work with the first self-inquiry question I suggested.

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, we are each other's first love. Our relationship has been going down hill. On Christmas he bitched about coming over to exchange gifts, then when he came over he forgot mine, and he was in a bad mood. On New Year's I was sick and he went to a party while I sat at home by myself. And the worst part about it is that he didn't call to see if I needed anything b4 he went out, and I didn't get a call when the ball drooped at midnight. I always tell him that I like the little things he does for me, but yet he never does anything. Since we are each others first loves, I feel like he wants to see what else is out there. I mean I was only his second kiss, and I think he is just at that point to explore more options. He's almost 20 and he never had a relationship before and I think he just wants to go out and have fun. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me and he tells me he doesn't know what to do about our situation. He says he hates the fighting and so do I. I really don't want to lose him. I don't know what I do without him, but there is only so much of his crap that I want deal with. What should i do?

Hi, Shelly. It sounds like you love him more than he loves you; that you treat him better than he treats you. (His side of the story might be different, I know.) When he says "he doesn't know what to do about your situation," that's not taking responsibility. There is no "situation." Hurricanes, tornadoes, and floods are situations. What you have here is a problem of conflicting values. Not "family values" religious right Christian stuff, but beliefs about what is truly important to each of you. For him, sex may be more important than a loving intimate connection (in general -- not always -- that is a gender distinction). For you, it sounds like connecting comes first with the other aspects following. If he doesn't have the skills and/or guts to be direct and honest with you (blaming "situations"), you still can be. I encourage you to not "put up" with people in relationships. Discover what's really important to you (your values) and NEVER compromise. Many of us who are older have learned this the HARD (very hard) way. Some values are non-negotiable, while others are not quite so important. Get crystal clear about who you are (identity) and what you want (values and beliefs). Then co-create your heart's desire with someone with whom you're compatible. You're young, but life's much shorter than you think. Don't waste your time and life energy on anyone who doesn't treasure you and treat you with respect. I'm not talking about perfection; I'm talking about maturity. And do the same: honor the person you're with and act with clarity of intention and integrity.

I have been married for over four years, and together for five in total. Last year, for no real reason, I started to lie to my wife about money, work, etc. This eventually came out on the 10 Dec the same year. I am now trying to sort this out. We have a three-year-old son, and I do love them both. Last year I was feeling like a failure at work money and everything. My wife is from Romania. I have done my best in the last few weeks to do everything right: no lies. One moment she was OK, but the next everything I do is wrong. I realize it will take a long time to build the trust. Any help or advice will be grateful. Mark

Hi, Mark. I think you've answered your own question, stating why you think you started lying, that you now need to be honest, and that it will take time for your wife to rebuild her trust in you. It's now her job to forgive you, but that's something you can request, not demand. I do encourage the two of you to seek some counseling. It can really help if you can find a non-judgmental therapist. Learning to communicate is a skill--something most of us didn't learn from our families or teachers in school.

I'm in love with my girlfriend, but I don't feel any connections between me and her. I feel like she's not my girlfriend. We have been together for almost one year, and yet I don't feel like I know her. What should I do.

What a great question, Steve. Some people might not realize it takes awareness to distinguish between "feeling connection," truly "knowing someone," and the labels we use like girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, etc. My advice is for you to sit down and get clear about what you want in a relationship. Make a list, and include the negatives of what you don't want, if you like. Then, ask your girlfriend if she'd be willing to do the same. If you're brave...compare notes. Even if you don't chose to share each other's lists--or just your list with her--the next step is to see if you can get what you want (and give/express what you want) being with her. If so, deepen your relating with honest communicating. If not, bless her and move on.

My fiancé and I have been together for 8 months now, and we do argue a lot, but it's always over the little things. When he gets mad at me, I usually get scared and try and break up with him (childish, I now realize). We have gone through this periodically throughout our entire relationship. But we are so great together with everything else. In a recent argument I did my same old thing, said I wanted to break up (but I didn't really. I guess I just wanted him to be sorry). At first he tried to change my mind. Then we finally hit a point where he wanted to be with me and he still loves me, but says that he doesn't think things will change. I realize my mistakes now, and I want to live my life out of love, not fear. And I know things would be different, but he needs some time and space to think. It's been three days now, and he still is in the middle, and staying at a friend's house. I have told him everything that has come to my mind and everything that I truly mean, and apologized for hurting him. But I hate being in limbo, and I don't know how long to wait until I give up? I'm trying to show him that I am staying strong, and that I mean it, and that I promise to stick with him for good. He will text message me a couple times a day to make sure I'm alright, but nothing beyond that, and kind of leaves me hanging. About 4 months ago he broke up with me because he was angry. He came back two weeks later saying it was the biggest mistake of his life, and he never wanted to give up. What can I do to help him get back to that frame of mind about us? Thank you :)

Hi, "M." I hear lots of maturing in your message. Wonderful. I suggest that you ask him how much time he needs to decide if he wants to get back together. This is a reasonable request, from what you've told me. Then check inside your being to see if you're willing to wait that long. Once you have a decision deadline, you probably won't feel in limbo anymore. On another note, notice how much time and energy that "playing relationship games" takes? It's so much easier to stop the fighting early and learn to be honest about your feelings and needs.

Hello. My boyfriend of 6 months has finished our relationship because he read my chat logs from MSN when I was talking to another guy. I did something really stupid and met this other guy and he knows all about it. Nothing happened with the other one, as we were just friends. I stayed at his place for the weekend, and when I came back home I stopped talking to him as I knew it wasn't right. My boyfriend says he didn't mind to much about that, but it was lying about it. When he asked me about him, I denied it. He trusted me 100% and now I have broken that trust. I want him back and he said I need to find a fix if I can. What can I do to try and fix it? I really love him and don't want to lose him...thank you...x

Hi, Lisa. You screwed up. We all do from time-to-time. Even people who consider themselves "highly moral" screw, often from being self-righteous or lacking compassion. There was something in the adventure that seemed fun, and you went past just thinking about and took action. Your conscience was alive and well, so you maintained some boundaries. You covered your ass by lying. Again, we've all screwed up. Do you feel you need to ask forgiveness? Sounds kind of formal, because it is. It's about expressing regret, and being honest about the inner pulls you felt. It's asking for another chance, and then becoming a person of integrity--someone who keeps their word. Your boyfriend is human, too. He's not perfect, and hopefully will remember that right now. Ask him if he loves you enough to forgive and forget. If not, so be it. Face up to that, let him go, and move on. Either way, you'll be a more mature person. You'll always remember how crummy it feels to lie to someone you love, and that pain can "fuel" your honesty the next time you need the courage to tell the whole truth.

Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for three years and been engaged for four months. We fight all the time and it's usually when we're drinking. I'm very insecure and have been cheated on before. He has done some similar things to me also. I want to be with him for the rest of our lives and I am realizing that I am causing our problems. I just don't know how to stop picking fights. Shannon

Hi, Shannon. You may think you're causing all of the problems you two have as a couple, but it's always a "co-creation." That said, glad you're looking at what YOU can change. Questions: How bad do you want to stop picking fights? If someone gave you $1,000.000.00 if after five years you never picked one fight, could you do it? Would you do it? That's the "pleasure" side. Here's the "pain" side. If you knew someone you loved would instantly die if you picked another fight, could you / would you stop? I suspect that all of the answers to my questions above are "yes." So, how much is it hurting you and your boyfriend when you pick fights? How bad to you want to stop? If you're ready to stop...stop. No excuses. Just start becoming the person your heart knows you truly are.

I've been with a wonderful person for 6 months now. Things started of slow, but before you know it we had a huge fire raging. I got scared and confused. She fell for me so deep and so fast. I loved that but then got scared and it hit me one night and she noticed. The next day she told me she was backing off, to give me my space. Sounds good. I felt like a load was lifted off my shoulders. But in my opinion she backed off too much. We went from being so on fire for each other to almost nothing. I didn't know how to handle it. I realized I preferred the smothering! Her actions caused me to doubt her intent. I've been burned before and now I did not trust her. Telling her stupid things. She's a beauty and I screwed up by not trusting her, accusing her. Stupid stuff. I've come a long way and now know how not trusting her has ruined our relationship. Now she told me she over with us and me not trusting her is what caused this. I know it and I've told her I know it. I've gone from prince to frog over night! You have any magic for me? Boy this crap hurts. CK

Sorry, no magic, Carl. How she feels about you is in her hands, but I have a question for you: If she doesn't want to be with you any longer, why would you want to be with her? Don't you think that if she truly loved you, she'd let go of this "bump" in the relationship? Sounds to me like she's interested in pursuing other options.

My fiancée and I have been dating for a little over 2 years now and we have been very committed to each other from the beginning. Now we find ourselves arguing more often than not, mostly about trust and insecurity issues on both parts. The arguments are dumb, as they may be are taking a substantial toll on both of our confidence levels. We both wonder about the other's intentions and can't seem to quite meet eye to eye. The first year was so great. Sure, we had our arguments, but we usually resolved them and never brought them up again. Now we fight like dogs and neither of us seem to be able to fix it. What can we do to change this unhealthy behavior and get our relationship back on track? P.S. Is it wrong for me to get jealous when a guy friend of hers refers to her as "darlin" or am I just over-reacting. I can't come to a conclusion on my own so please help me.

Hi, Dan. My answer to both of your questions--how to stop fighting and what to do about jealousy--is the same. I'll form it as a question: "How do you trust someone who you no longer trust?" Intention refers to what's "underneath" (what motivates) actions. Internal is hidden while external is visible (at least when you're together). Not everyone is trustworthy, right? It doesn't make sense to trust someone who doesn't deserve your trust. Is she trustworthy? Are you trustworthy? Why? Why not? My suggestion is for the two of you to sit down with no distractions and no one else present, and track back to when things changed. Everything was going great, and I assume you trusted each other. Something changed for both of you. Can you figure out what it was? Another related tip: Fighting sucks. Don't do it. Think of the old psychological experiments that conditioned a dog to drool when a bell rang. Well, when you fight, you condition each other to feel like crap when you look at each other. You "anchor" (associate) stressful feelings with the other person. Not smart. If you have disagreements, shift from arguing to peacefully talking about your differences. Listen. Show respect. Ask to be heard. Ask to be respected. Find common ground.

Me and my girl have just broke up after 8 months. I really do love her and I need her so much but all we have been doing is arguing because I couldn't find it to trust her after she cheated on me. I feel so bad because I'd accuse her of flirting with other guys and all. And I'm sorry for it and so we broke up over it and now all I want is for her to be back with me. I'll do whatever it takes but I don't want to be desperate to where she doesn't want me back. But I still want to show her that I love her and can't be without her because she's changed me. The things we've done and everything; I love her so much and I hope she comes back to me. I really don't know what to do. This is all so crazy it happened so fast and I find myself so depressed on the first day that I don't even want to hang out with my best friend! Now that sucks. I really need advice on what to do. I love Amanda and I can't be without her. She's everything to me.

First off, you *can* be without Amanda. You won't die if you never get back together. It's important to know that. Second, you didn't trust her because she cheated on you. Correct? You need to figure out if you should have forgiven her and stopped being insecure and jealous ... or ... if she didn't really deserve your trust and you had reason to be concerned. You may find that your head can't figure out this stuff, and that you need to learn to listen to and trust your heart for these kinds of answers.

I have been with my partner for over seven years. In that time we have had a child, but since I became pregnant everything seems to be going wrong. I can do nothing right in his eyes. He calls me names and can be aggressive. He has a big problem with me going to college and now he says that he does not want to be with me no more and would rather fall in love with someone new. I'm only trying to better myself and our family. I don't understand why he hurts me and has done this, he tells me its all my fault.

Hi, Mandy. You're describing what I consider to be a very serious problem. I doesn't sound like your married, which I bring up not as a moral issue, but thinking of the child you two have had together. From the little you've shared, it sounds like he has already made his decision to leave. There's very little advice I can give you through a short comment--at least that will make much of a difference...I will say that you going to college is definitely not the root issue; there have to be deeper problems with him, and also with you, since it sounds like you're willing to be with someone who abuses you. This is a situation that needs in-person therapy, not web advice. I encourage you to take the action of seeing a qualified counselor right away.

Hi, My girlfriend broke up with me about a month ago because she felt something was missing in our relationship. She claims that it was work for me to be with her and that I didn't do enough to communicate my emotions and feelings to her. She knows I love her and I know she loves me. She wants a more outgoing man emotionally and communicatively, and I am trying to tell her that I can be that man. I am very reserved and should have opened up to her more, but she will not even give me the opportunity now. She claims that our relationship is unfixable. What can I do to bring us back together?

Hi, Nathan. Some questions to consider: You say she still loves you. 1.) Does she love you enough to want to be with you as you work on learning to express yourself. 2.) Are you sure you want to be with someone who doesn't love you just like you are? 3.) Are you wanting to make these personality changes because you truly want to--from the inside out--or are you saying you will do so only to win her back? 4.) Do you feel it's wise to base a committed relationship on one of the people have to change their personality for it to work? What will she be working on? 5.) There's a difference between growing, learning to express emotion, listening (skills) and trying to change your nature (personality). Which is it? 6.) What other questions can you think of that will help you to clarify what you really want?

I just broke off an affair and I'm having hard time telling my wife that I love her. She says that she loves me, and no doubt that she does. I feel staying in the marriage that I'm cheating her. I don't mind staying with her but I know it's breaking her heart.

Sorry, George, I lost you. Who is saying she loves you, the woman with whom you were having the affair or your wife? Staying in your marriage would mean that you're cheating who? Staying with who? Breaking whose heart? If you can be more clear about to whom you are referring, I'll be glad to provide some advice.

Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend and also living with him for 4 years. In the past month it feels that we have been drifting apart. He going out with his friends more and more. Me staying home and studying or being at work. I have approached him on how I was feeling. All he says that we are right now are like roommates and not boyfriend/girlfriend. I asked him if we can fix it the relationship and he says he does not know. We were really close and did a lot. Know it feels hard to do anything. He really does not hug me no more or gives me kisses, but he says "I love you" to me. I am getting too many mixed signals. I really love him, and I don't want to lose him...

Hi, "V." Let's imagine your life as a car. Why are you letting your boyfriend drive your life? I recommend you have him pullover, get out, and that you hop in the driver's seat and drive off (without him). It's your car, so drive it.

Hello, I have been dating my ex-boyfriend for four years. A few months ago we broke up, which I thought was for good. I tried really hard to move on because I thought there would never be another chance to be with him. Needless to say, I kissed two other guys and slept with one. Then my ex-bf and I got back together, but I only told him I kissed two guys. I hid the fact that I did more with one person. I finally told him and we broke up again. Right now he is trying to straighten out his life and see if with time apart I genuinely want to be with him. What can I do to prove to him that he is the one for me and help him work through the fact that I hid something from him for so long?

Hi, Viv. In hindsight, instead of lying to him, it may have been wiser to let him know you weren't willing to discuss what the two of you did or didn't or didn't do when you were broken up. Instead, you lied to him. Now it sounds like he doesn't trust you. Talk is cheap, so the only way we can "prove" our inner intentions to another person is through actions over time. That said, perhaps he doesn't possess enough character yet to forgive you. It takes strength of character to forgive. Are you valuable enough to him for him to take the risk of reconnecting with you, and possibly, being hurt? You take the same risk. No one is perfect. We're human. We all screw up in many ways. If he doesn't think you're worth giving another chance, perhaps you might want to move on.

hi...well i've been with the love of my life for 3 years...we have a little boy together and we were so in love, but now it seems like he doesn't care anymore. we are on the verge of breaking up. he used to have a drug problem and that ruined our trust. he has been clean now and doing a good job being a dad, but our relationship is falling apart...we've already tried talking it out and he seems like hes ready to move on..he said he feels like its never going to change and that i will never trust him...but i know i will my only issue is that he doesn't seem to want to try anymore and show me that he still loves me...i can't loose him. i love him very much and i know he loves me i just dont know if he loves me enough anymore...our family was so wonderful and now its a mess...what do i do ..

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. He has broken up with me a dozen times (literally),I know he is scared and I know he has been screwed over in many ways from his last relationship of 7 years. The first time he left we were in a small fight I don't even remember what it was about but it wasn't worth splitting over, I was so heart broken I thought every thing was going well. We just fight ALL the time. We don't have the same likes or ideas. I get so many mixed signals from him and I don't know what to do, its not all bad thats why I'm still hanging in there. There is a lot of broken trust and hurt feelings from both sides he loves me a lot and I love him. Right now we are trying to decide weather to stay together or part ways. We are both afraid of being hurt and screwed over. We keep trying over and over to make things better but we just end up at the same old problems that we cant seem to get passed. I'm frustrated and exhausted. What to do?

I have been with my fiance for over a year now and a couple of weeks ago i cheated on him with someone at college. i only have feeling for my fiance and cannot understand why a drunken party ended like this. he spoke to the boy and is deeply upset and angry about what happened. as a result we have gone back to day 1 and i am now living back with my mother. i need advice on how to really make this work and last forever again? please reply. thank you.

Hi. i have been dating my girlfriend for just over 4 months. we actually met online, and had been communicating for almost a year before we decided to meet.....and initially there wasn't talk about maybe being interested in each other, until right before we met. the first month was incredible. we both felt this really strong connection. everything was great. then one night, easter weekend, we went and visited her family, about 5 hours away. in a small town that she used to live. we went out to a bar, and i got to meet one of her friends. while we were sitting there, i began wondering about her past. so much so that i asked about it, when we got back home. i was feeling insecure....and was curious if some of those guys in there, were people she had history with. anyway.....as soon as i started to bring up the questions....she reacted really strongly, and didn't want to talk about her past. she said she had a lot of hurt, and bad feelings associated with that. she sometimes has a hard time opening up.....but since that night, we have been fighting off and on.....but bad fights....stupid fights really. and then about 3 weeks ago, she broke up with me. i didn't want this to happen.....and she kept saying she loves me....and it was the fighting that made her decide to break up. they made her feel bad about herself....and there is this negativity, kind of clouding everything now......she came to a place where she doubted our future together. i talked to her, right away....and she agreed to give it another chance. its been three weeks....and she has been really distant, and guarded. we took a trip together, that was planned along time ago, and we had another fight. the other thing that is hard, is that we live about 200 miles away. although, we had planned, in a few months from now, that i was going to move the city where she lives.....and we both were excited about that.....she acts a little more scared about it now. i'm not sure what to do. i think that i sometimes mess things up. i really, really care about her, and i love her very much. i would do anything to repair this situation. we've talked about giving this relationship another try, to see if the feelings that we used to have come back.....to see if the cloud can be lifted. do you have any advice.....?

Hi, My wife and I have been married for eleven years and we have two children. Our relationship has had its ups and downs but we have always made it through. She comes from a very unemotional family (ie. no hugging or expressing of their feelings) and so she is also very unemotional. She has never been the huggy or kissy type, but i have let it go because I could always get the closeness and loving feeling through sexual relations. Over the past 3 months she has taken to sleeping in our spare room rather then coming to bed and sleeping in our bed. I finally confronted her about this because it was starting to bother me, and she told me she is not sure who she is and is trying to figure out who she is as a person. She said she has been a mother and wife but doesn't know who she is as a person. She also said that she just gets a better night's sleep in her own bed because I snore. I confronted her and asked the hard question about if she wanted to continue the relationship, and she said she didn't know. I have been giving her time to try and figure this out, but I was wondering how long should I give her? What is a reasonable amount of time?

i was recently have doubts about my relationship with my girlfriend. we have been together about a year. her and her daughter were living with me about 9 months. and about the last 6 weeks or so she seemed to get distant from me. she wouldn't talk to me didn't want to kiss me and would come to bed after i was asleep. so i talked to her mother and sister about anything that she may have talked to them about. i also made the mistake of telling them of my concerns and if the relationship would be able to continue. i had decided that i wanted the relationship to continue and was going to try to make things work. but before i could talk to her mother and sister again they talked to her and told her i was thinking about ending the relationship. and after that she promptly moved out and ended things. however i love her and her daughter so much and want to have another go at our relationship. but she wont hear of it at the moment. i need some advice as to what i can do to fix things between us.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than a year. It has been absolutely wonderful and we were starting our plans to move back to the same city and get engaged. All of a sudden, many people in my life, (parents, friends, sister) started telling me that he was wrong for me. They say he is immature and over-dramatic and can't handle social situations. Some of that is true...he is a bit immature and over-dramatic, but he says he is working to change all that. I think he can change most of it, but my family is so important to me that I am struggling to make a decision. I love him and the time we have together alone is PERFECT! It's when we get around my family/friends that I get really nervous. Any advice?

My boyfriend of 6 years ended our relationship quite abruptly about 2 months ago. We live together and work together (we have very little time apart). We have definitely had our ups and downs. We have always had trouble making up after a fight, it seems that neither one of us know how to end the fight. We often end up fighting about things that do not matter to either one of us. And the fights we do have always seem to be the same one over and over again. During or leading up to our fight I get very afraid that he will abandon me, I think this is why I get defensive when he tries to express any negative feelings to me. I don't want to be defensive and I know that often he just needs to get it off his chest so he can feel better. I have known for sometime that I was not happy with my reactions towards him. I will get mad about things that I know don't really matter to me at all, and wake up in the morning after these times with immense regret. I love him deeply. Aside from our troubles we really have a great time together and feel very excited about each other. he always has good things to say about me to our friends and family, everyone we know was shocked that we were having troubles. About a week or so before he ended our relationship we befriended a girl and I invited her to hike with us. They flirted that day and I noticed. That night I told him he didn't love me anymore he was just used to me, I didn't mean it, I was just mad and was looking for a specific reaction, which I know is destructive. The night before he ended our relationship he met her for a coffee, he said he just felt like he had to. He has gone back and forth with us. He has still continued to be intimate with me and we have still continued to spend a lot time together but, every couple of weeks he contacts her again (he says he just gets this feeling like he must see her and doesn't think twice). During one of their meetings she told him she would wait for him forever. He said he feels like he can talk to her about things he can't talk to me about. And also says he wants to be able to tell me these things and wants to be open with me, he just doesn't know how to, or doesn't feel that he will ever be able to. I know that I was wrong in many ways in the past and I have taken steps over the last 2 months to understand why I have done this but, part of him thinks it is to late. He feels very bad about acting on his impulse to see her but, he feels like they are so much alike. I feel like he is finding the things in her that are lacking with him and I. I know what I have done wrong. I know I have made him feel that he can't always trust me with all of his feelings. I have been focusing on why I react to him the way I do and have finally been honest with myself about making a serious change, but I think it is to late. Is there any advice for me as to what to do to help him trust me with his feelings again? I have asked him if he ever sees us getting back together and he says he does not know he feels like life is easier when he is around her. We have made some nice progress with an open line of communication lately, we have gone far back into our relationship to pin point the things that closed him off but I don't know if this is going to be enough. He can't seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel. he really likes that we are communicating now. He tells me that he feels so good after we have talked about things that he has never felt comfortable telling me, yet it doesn't seem like this is enough to take us over the hump yet. I know he loves me, I know he thinks I am an amazing person, I know we have a lot of great to build on. I just don't know if he will stick this tough time out long enough to see it through. Any advice for us?

I just finalized my divorce with my wife of five years. We had struggled for about two and a half years of the marriage and didn't want to admit that we probably just weren't right for each other. There was a very difficult in-law problem that worsened our own issues. Anyways, about 18 months ago I had a relationship with another woman, who I'd known before my marriage, and I believed that this relationship was not an affair. She was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I still feel that way today. Unfortunately, however, throughout the divorce process I struggled to give her everything that she needed and we broke up a number of times. We finally agreed that we shouldn't be trying to have this relationship until my divorce was complete, because she was giving everything and I was falling short with so much else on my plate. We still kept in touch occasionally and truly believed that once the divorce was final that we'd be together. Well, I finalized the divorce this last week and now this woman who I know loved me with all of her heart just a few months ago has decided to move on, because I didn't make her schedule, and didn't treat her right during my time of pain. I know I put her through the same hell I was going through along the way. I want her back and don't have a clue as to where to start. She has asked me not to call her or email her. However, she'd done the same thing previously and then come back to me to try again a couple of months later. I do truly love this woman and want to know how to start the process of getting her to understand that now that the divorce is over, I can give her what she wants and needs. Any advice?

My girlfriend of 10 months and I have just recently called it quits. Well at least I think we have. During our relationship, we have never had a fight, nor have we even really had an argument. Just a couple of weeks ago, I began feeling "separated" from her, you know distant. She is a full time student and very busy, and my work schedule doesn't allow us much time together. If we want to see each other, she has to stay up later than she should for school. When I get home, I am not ready to go to bed. I need to unwind, eat and relax a little first. This makes her really tired the next day. I've told her she doesn't have to stay up for me, and if she wants to go to bed before I get home, its OK. She says no because that's the only time we get together, which makes me feel bad that I am the reason shes always so tired. But it makes me happy she feels this way. Now, last weekend, there was a "wall" between us that we both felt. We talked about it for a little bit, then she went out with her friend Dan for the whole afternoon. Her and Dan have been friends for a long time, and I knew this. There has never been anything more between them that just being best friends. We finally started talking about what we felt, so this was a mutual feeling. We were going out that night with her brother, but after we "talked", she asked me if I would be mad if I didn't go, so she could spend time with her brother. She hadn't seen him for 9 months. I said that I understood, but it hurt really bad that she didn't want me around. We have always done things together, and now it felt like she didn't want anything to do with me. This really hurt me. Finally on Sunday, she told me that she didn't know what she wanted anymore, and that she was going to stay at Dan's that night to try to figure things out. On Monday, I asked her if she wanted this relationship to end. She told me she needed time away from me to figure out why she was feeling this way. She told me that she still loves me but to give her time. I try to give her time, but it kills me not hearing from her or not seeing her. I am alone in this three bedroom house, and she has been staying at Dan's. My questions to you are as follows: Should I keep waiting for her and give her all the time she needs to think, hoping she will change her mind, and how do I deal with the fear and pain of not knowing the outcome of her being away, also do I need to just let her go completely so I can start healing for myself? Keeping in mind that I love her so much, and she still says that she loves me too. Please help me decide what I need to do. I don't want to get mad at her for hurting me, but everyday this gets harder. Please help me.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. Things have been OK up until the past 6 months. I have been extremely insecure and jealous, especially toward women of the opposite sex. A few months ago my husband was traveling more often for business, and I started freaking out. For the past 10 years of our marriage he was at a different job that didn't require a lot of traveling and female interaction. I was checking his cell phone bill and emails to see if he was cheating on me even though it was unwarranted. He has decided that we should see a counselor because of my issues. He swears that he loves me and would do nothing to hurt me. I just don't get why I am such a paranoid freak. I did find a few emails that were inappropriate but not unprofessional. Please share your thoughts with me.

I have been with my fiance for 2 years. We just got engaged in March of this year, and he recently found out that I cheated on him. We talked and decided to work on things, but his family wants me gone. Not only is it hard enough to try to gain his trust back now, but his brother is always telling him that he is stupid for trying to work things out with me. I just don't know how to convince him that I love him, and he is the one I want to be with. I understand that his trust will take time to regain but I just can't help but think that he is going to wake up one morning and regret not listening to his brother. What do I do?

My wife and I were together for five years before we got married. Now we have been married for two years, and it's been very rocky. My wife has problems trusting me due to some money issues I've had. I got behind on all my bills and everything snowballed on me. I'm starting to think that she is looking for a way out of the relationship by hanging out with people from work more often. I also get the impression that she has cheated on me more then once. She told me about one time, but I'm getting the impression there has been others. I'm starting to lose trust in her, but I don't want to lose her. I need help, please let me know what your thoughts are.

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 1/2 years now and have a son of 4 months. We used to live in Tampa, and I was so young that all I wanted to do was have fun and go out clubbing. We had our weekends, but when I told him to go with me clubbing his excuse was that he didn't like that atmosphere. I then became pregnant and couldn't go out for my 21st birthday and became bored of life for 8 months. We then moved to Miami and have been in my parents home. Since we moved its been nothing but problems, because his best friends live down here and all he wants to do is chill with them. I have tried to communicate with him and tell him to keep our relationship strong. We should limit going out with friends to once a month. Just last week he went out and came home at six in the morning after going out to the club, after telling me he doesn't like the atmosphere, but with his friends it's good and dandy. I only ask that when he goes out to take me too and if he does go out not to come home so late. I would let him stay till 2 or 3 but he says I'm to controlling. I'm seriously not controlling I just can't stand that he wants to go his separate way on weekends and comes home so late. Why can't he just chill with his friends one day at the beach and drink some beers on an evening or at a bar at night and not get home so late? We are so close to a break up because of his friends, who are all single. That is why I think he wants to act like he is single too when he is around them. He can't compromise, so I guess we should just end it. What do you think?

I recently started seeing a man who I've developed deep feelings for. Initially I told him I wasn't sure what I wanted, and then told him I needed time to figure it out. We had been dating for two months and he was nothing but understanding and reassuring to me. He did everything right, and my feelings for him grew quickly. I was scared at the quickness of my growing feelings, especially since he's in the middle of an uncontested divorce, but I didn't share them as readily because of this fear. I left for a work trip, and didn't speak with him much while I was gone. I felt, and I thought he also felt that I needed the time to assess my feelings and what I wanted. My uncertainty has taken its toll on him, and when I returned I could see its affects. He was angry with me, and hurt and because of this change I couldn't bring myself to tell him I was ready to be exclusive with him. He told me one week later that he couldn't see me the way he's been seeing me, and now he won't give me an opportunity to show him how I feel. He knows how I feel now. I should have told him earlier, but I wanted to be sure, for his sake and my own. How can I mend our relationship? I truly feel I can't lose this man in my life. He's impacted me in ways I've never experienced before, and I need help making things right.

I was with my girlfriend for two years. Situations permitted me to go across the country to live. The plan was for me to send for her in a month or two. It turned into five long lonely months for us both. After about three months I cheated on her. I told her and she broke up with me. I always knew I loved her, but now I see that I am in love with her. She means everything to me. I couldn't even go through with the full act of cheating. I ended up stopping within minutes. Now she doesn't believe a word I say. She says she loves me but is not in love with me. We both acknowledge that we are soul mates. We are still thousands of miles apart. We make each other better in every way and both know that. We also both feel that we wont find another person like the other. How can I make it up to her. Every day I feel so guilty. It kills me that I hurt an angel. We were supposed to get married. We are worse people apart and better together, and we both know that but her pain and distrust is so great. What am I to do? Please help , we need each other to be happy.

Hey there. First, I must say I'm glad I found this on the internet. Now for the problem. Me and my fiance used to live in different homes. When we did, we got along perfectly. I did all kinds of things to make her happy, and we hardly ever ran into problems save for my love of technology. However, we have recently decided to move into a home together. We thought everything would be fine. I would keep making her happy and in turn she would do the same, without making it seem like we work for each other. Unfortunately, we were totally wrong about that prediction. We tend to fight every single waking moment of the day, usually about me not doing my part. I will admit, I haven't really done much since we started living together. The problem is, I can't bring myself to pick up where I left off. I have no desire to do the things I need to do to make things work between us. That's my problem out of the way. On her side of this, she always brings up past problems like how I didn't do something last month. She can never focus on a day-to-day basis. Maybe, I'm wrong for thinking she should. I guess the question I'm trying to ask is, how can I bring myself to do the things I used to? How can I attempt to repair the damage done? Is all this fighting the beginning of the end? Oh I hope not. If I'm bringing this question up on the wrong site I apologize, however any constructive response is much appreciated. I cannot begin to imagine life without her. Thank you very much in advance.

Hello, my girlfriend and I have been going out for a year, and I have been sensing things have been going wrong while I was having a depression moment. When I pick myself up, she breaks up with me. Is there any way to fix this? Please respond. I really care for her and want to figure out whats wrong as well as get back together with her. Thanks in advance mate.

Hi. I am engaged to a wonderful man. I have a child from a previous marriage and I have a little girl with my fiance. We have been together for three years now.Our relationship has always been fulfilling and wonderful to me, but recently my fiance started telling me that I have never brought any value to his life and that the only time he will have peace of mind is when he is rid of me. He has been very cold towards me and has told me on more than one occasion to take my sh*t and leave. I have never left as my daughter is an issue and he won't let me take her with me, even though the laws in SA say that a father of a child that is born out of wedlock has no automatic rights towards the child and that custody automatically goes to the mother. He will pick a fight with me every day about stupid things like not telling him when i go to the shop or anything that is out of the normal routine of my day. It's like he wants me to report to him, yet he has all the freedom to do what he wants. He has entertained woman hitting on him although I believe that he has never slept with anyone else, I found the evidence of these email conversations and I let it go. He is a porn addict, and his phone is full of porn, he has more pornos than you can imagine, and when I tell him that it makes me feel insecure, he tells me that I am being silly about it and that boys will be boys. I love him more than anything and the good times that we've had have been awesome, the highlight of my life. I know that we can be happy again, I just don't know how to be perfect enough for him as he will always find fault with me, and my actions. I feel like a puppet on a string and it's killing my personality. I don't know whether to stay or leave? He is verbally abusive and calls me names. I won't say what he calls me as other readers may not appreciate it, but it's bad. He pushed me once and I fell. He felt really bad about it and cried. But the verbal abuse is swept under the carpet. Should I stay or should I cut my losses, take my kids and leave? I think that he is insecure, but I don't know why as I have never given him any reason to be insecure about anything. Please help me fix this.

Enter Your Comment or Question:

Your e-mail address will not be displayed and will remain confidential.

Security Code to enter