Long Term Relationship Advice – Finding Your Soulmate: Part 1
People ask me all the time, how do I find my soulmate? For many years I was one of the all-time great skeptics of the phenomenon known as “Soulmates”. I knew of many couples who were self-proclaimed soul mates who dissolved their relationship after a few years, and the reasons given seemed shallow to me at best.
I’ve studied several definitions, and my understanding of soul mates is that these are two people who have been linked through past lives, and their essential nature is such that they compliment each other. What one lacks, the other tends to bring out in them, and vice versa. When they are together, they expedite each other’s soul growth simply by being themselves. The esoteric reasons for this phenomenon are varied, and I won’t pursue them here.
Many people are interested in finding their soulmate and I’m often asked how to make this occur. After having my previous skepticism shattered by encountering my own soulmate, I now understand why it’s such a production. Attracting one’s soulmate seems to involve considerable work on one’s own soul. Logical, huh? Finding and being with the soulmate doesn’t seem to make the process stop, in fact it just keeps going and going…
What makes this difficult is the fact that working on one’s soul involves giving the ego a back seat. This means a willingness to be wrong, letting go of fondly held pre-conceived ideas and being able to put the needs of one’s soul ahead of cultural requirements. This is just what happens before a soul mate can enter the picture. It seems that one has to accept love based simply on who you are, not what you do, how you think or what you look like (or any of the myriad other things we feel we must do/have to be loved). After that has been accomplished it seems to be necessary to be able to perceive the lovability in everyone, no matter what.
Encountering one’s soulmate probably varies in nature from one person to another, but the situation gets clear enough very quickly. I’ve often heard that the individual is not one’s usual “type” and this was my experience. There may be silly reasons to not get involved with this person. For example I’d chosen not to date anyone named Tom since I was a teenager. Now I’m in a relationship named “Tom and Jeri”, what I’d tried to avoid (I don’t really mind, but it’s fun to get cranky about it). Odd urges or intuitions may come up. I barely knew this person, in a stifling work situation, but kept having the urge to hug him like he was my best friend. Finally, there’s a synchronicity to the encounters. Situations may keep coming up which throw you together. It’s almost as if the Universe conspires to ensure that you get a really good look at each other and orchestrates way for finding your soulmate.
Making a life with a soul mate requires big steps beyond egoic needs. I’ve found that it’s easiest if one assumes that you’re in it for the duration and that anything which comes up, is for the Higher Good of both of you. No matter what “roles” either of you may be accustomed to assuming in a relationship, they may need to be changed. If you’re used to being passive, get ready to take charge. If you’re comfortable being a teacher, learn to be a student.
Obviously this is a very abridged version of the nature of a soul mate relationship. In my opinion the difficulty in bringing your soul mate into your life is that at a subconscious level, we realize the ego sacrifices which must be made and avoid them. We may hear a lot about how wonderful such a relationship can be, and I believe that this can’t be overstated. It’s incredible, marvelous, wonderful and heavenly. If we want to find our soulmates, the work on Self must be done.
“Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved. ”
–William Jennings Bryan
Continue to Finding Your Soulmate – Part 2