Tough Love Parenting - When Kids Steal

How would you react if you found out that your teenager was stealing? Often parents react with denial that they didn't raise their children to be thieves, and want to know how they could do such a thing. Before you go too far in getting upset you might want to find out what's going on with your child that makes them think that stealing would be a good idea. You can do the tough love parenting thing later.

Most teenagers steal to get attention. Good or bad, at least someone is noticing that they exist. Maybe your child is going through a tough time and needs extra support from you right now, but doesn't know how to go about asking for it. Okay, so you understand that your child has something other than just wanting to be a thief going on; you still have to let them face the consequences of their actions. This is a form of permissive parenting and lots of parents make this mistake out of guilt-usually because they can't spend as much time with their child as they would like to because of their work schedules.

Saving them from the consequences out of guilt because you didn't see that there was a problem simply teaches them that they can hold you hostage with guilt every time something doesn't go their way. You are not teaching them responsibility and that there are consequences for their actions. Let them know that you still love them, just not their most recent action. Shaming them won't help the situation either; they knew they were wrong when they did it. The only example of bad parenting is saving them so they can do it again. You are not a bad parent if you allow them to face the consequences.

Ask them what they think the consequences should be. If the authorities are involved, they won't have much choice, but if they were caught stealing from you or one of their siblings, they can make the decision on their own. The authorities might want to minimize the situation; now it's time for tough love parenting. As much as it hurts you to see your child tearful and afraid in the face of a cop, you need to stay out of it. Letting stealing go because it wasn't a large item or because it was from a family member is a bad idea, it tells the other children that their property and feelings don't matter, and teaches irresponsibility for the thief which will follow them into adulthood.

 

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Comments

 

 
By shary
2008-05-15 15:31:31
 

Hi, I have two kids aged 9 and 10. Sometimes they lie and I find out. What should I do When I catch them? How should I react?

 
By Deb
2008-05-15 15:39:29
 

Hi Shary, there needs to be consequences for their actions. You will need to let them know that you love them but that you do not like what they have done. You need to ask why they did it. It may be a good idea to ask them how they would feel if the tables were turned on them and they were in your shoes. Ask them separately and never in front of someone else. Yelling and screaming will get you no where. If you are calm and let them know you love them, but that their behavior will not be tolerated and why, they will be more likely to remember the lesson and respect it. Ask them what a fitting punishment should be and work from there to negotiate the punishment so that it is appropriate.

 
By Rhonda M.
2008-10-16 19:13:38
 

My 13 yr old daughter has been sneaking out since this summer to see the neighbor who is 16. When I caught them back in June, I grounded her for a few weeks and then let her talk to him, and they could visit one hour per week at my house under my supervision. Now I find out it has happened four times since. Now it is not allowed she is to have no contact with him. She has all her other privileges, because I want her to know it is him I forbid. She sits outside and makes eye contact with him each day and then treats me horrible each night. Our mornings are fine because he is not in the picture. What can I do? He is a punk. He has been in Jr. jail and is on parole. I don't want her associated with his kind.

 
By Nate
2008-11-03 18:24:00
 

Hi, I would just like to make a quick comment here on my perspective. I actually am a teenager, age 15, and I am doing a research project on tough love for my psychology class. I entirely agree with this article, considering I have my stepfather who yelled at me extremely irrationally when he found out I had tried smoking pot. When he yelled at me I realized that not only was he totally losing his mind and was obviously unable to be thinking in the right mind if he was that angry. He didn't change jack. Recently, because of my Step Dad's sarcasm (long and complex story) my biological father found out that I had tried it. Instead, he told me that he was not angry but just disappointed. We had a long talk about how it would affect me in the future and that it really would mess me up. I haven't smoked pot since. My Dad came at me with facts, my Step Dad with anger. Which one worked? One more quick note: To Rhonda, sorry, but unfortunately no matter how hard you try you will never get your kid to sever ties with whoever this other kid is. We teens always find a way out of it. If we want to be friends with someone, we will. What you can influence is the choices that we make in life. And just because this kid seems like a "punk" (which is a word that I personally believe should be considered a stereotypical word toward teenagers) doesn't mean he's a bad kid, just that he makes a few wrong decisions from here to there.

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