The Parent Who Keeps on Giving: Coping with Your Eighteen Year Old Teenager: Part 2 of 2

Whenever we helped them learn to walk, we knew there would be times they would falter and fall repeatedly. We knew that a fall could give them a fatal blow so we stood by and supervised them and only stepping in whenever the fall could be life threatening or damaging. This is what we have to do, as they are young adults learning to step into the interstate of life. Hopefully, as in learning to walk, the falls will become less frequent and your 18 year old will become self sufficient.

To recap this chapter before moving on to the next – If you do not allow them to fall they will never learn to walk as a child or as an adult. Just because they fall does not mean they are incapable of handling life – it just means they are learning. If you take away all their obstacles, you are making them dependant upon you and they will not learn to be efficient adults. Therefore, with this being said you must ask yourself if maybe you are the one hanging on to them because you cannot face life with an empty space in your nest. Once you can actually face the answer to that question, ask if you are doing them any favors by stepping in all the time. Just like some people become dependant upon a drug or a drink to get through each day – make sure you do not make your child dependant on you to make through their days. Addiction is not choosey about what it settles upon.

Have faith in the love you gave them and the lessons you taught. Believe that at some point in their life, they will stop running from what they were taught and stand in the glow of it. Take time to find the inner you that become addicted to “child-raising” and love yourself enough to start living for you and your life mate. The artwork is finish, leave it alone or you will ruin it. Dust the child off, help at certain points yet realize there is no magic year. They will still be around for help, but real help is knowing when it is needed and not just asked for. They are never gone from your life – they just stand in a different place.

This chapter carries you from hopes and fears to realities and facts. I think I could write an entire book on this subject yet hopefully by condensing it to one chapter you will see the light. Do not ever think there is a magical year to any stage of your or your child’s life. The plateaus come at their own timetable. The 18th year was made magical by the law of the land, not by the maturity of your child or your ability to let go.

Go buy your new couch and plan your dream vacation. Life is a bed of roses – quit gripping about the thorns. I say that with much love.

--Lydia Sigourney
In early childhood, you may lay the foundation of poverty or riches, industry or idleness, good or evil, by the habits to which you train your children. Teach them right habits then, and their future life is safe.

--Dorothy C. Fisher (1879 - 1958)
A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary.

--Sonia Taitz, O Magazine, May 2003
What children take from us, they give…We become people who feel more deeply, question more deeply, hurt more deeply, and love more deeply.

--Hodding Carter Jr.
There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings.

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Rhiannon Waits is a syndicated columnist with her column published in 14 different countries and translated into 4 different languages. You can purchase "Little Lessons on Love And Life" at Amazon.com, book private sessions, schedule speaking engagements, or attend book signings by calling 850-941-4190. You can also visit her web site at RhiannonWaits.com. Rhia lives in Pensacola Florida with her life partner, Steve, and her children. Rhiannon Waits is a renowned Psychic/Medium.

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By Jackie

2009-10-19 18:16:25

I want to know how to help a bipolar teen get her own life. She thinks she is old enough to do anything, but small enough to still be at home and able to talk back, and do bad things at the house. She does not clean up after herself, and does not want to finish high school. I want to get her in school again. She has been out since the summer. Here I moved to a new home and the school has not called me back in over two weeks. Please help.

By Andrea

2010-04-06 17:33:03

I am a single parent with three boys. My eldest is eighteen and has SPD. Disability or not he knows right from wrong. I always taught them morals and manners but my eighteen year old is drinking, always with his friends, obnoxious etc. and steals from me. He took the last of my money and I am just so tired. I couldn't even shout. He is a good kid with a good heart, mixed up with the wrong crowd and comes in when he wants, does what he wants. I'm so tired. I just told him to pack his bags and leave which he did. I am heart broken and so worried about him. I hope he comes home but I am too scared to text him and ask him to come back because he may think he can walk all over me again. How do you let go?

By Janney

2010-04-19 19:19:24

I have a son who will be turning eighteen real soon. My son is a good kid, good at school, but thinks he knows every thing. My problem is I am having trouble letting go. I hate when the weekend comes or vacations from school, because when he goes out I worry so much. I just think of what I did at that age. Yes I turned out alright, but let me tell you I am lucky. I know what kids do, and I worry. I sit up until he comes in which is about 11:30 PM on weekends, and I have to work so I am so tired the next day. I just get nervous about what he drinks, which I know he does do sometimes. But what if he drives, yes he knows he shouldn't but what if he does? He is going to a great college in September and going in to Pre-med. I am so proud of him, but do not want him to mess it up. See I really think I have a problem. Is it normal for me to feel this way or what? How do I over come this? My husband is so easy going and goes to bed, and then I yell at him for not caring. I feel like I am going crazy. I know I have to trust him but its so hard, and I think I do trust him but I know what kids do at that age, help.

By Deb

2010-05-07 19:49:02

Hi Jackie, I think you may find it helpful to join a support group. This site has some good information about bipolar problems and quite a few people have joined > Bipolar Support Group Pages.

By Deb

2010-05-07 19:51:01

Hi Andrea, there comes a time when a child must transition into adulthood and make his or her own decisions and then live with the consequences of those decisions. This is how we learn and grow. A parent cannot shield a child from all that may go wrong. You have done what you felt you were able to do. It is up to him now.

By Deb

2010-05-07 19:51:25

Hi Janney, it is a matter of trust. You may want to ask if you can be the driver for his group when he goes out. Take a nap earlier in the day and pick them up a bit earlier. You can control the time a bit then. Only volunteer when you feel it is most necessary.

By Barb

2010-05-11 18:46:42

I feel and have been told that I am an excellent parent. I truly believe this about myself because I have always taken my role of mother very seriously. I have taken courses to help me make the best decisions when parenting. I saw a counselor when my daughter was sixteen or seventeen to help me set boundaries and expand on them as my daughter showed more responsibility. I was open to advice to make the best decisions for my daughter. I encouraged my daughter to go to summer school, to which she did every summer during high school, so that she could graduate with her class. I was so proud of her when she graduated and when she finished her first semester of college and did well. Unfortunately she has a friend that came into her life in the summer, who didn't graduate, skipped school a lot, didn't live at home most of the time, and lived with a so-called ex boyfriend because she didn't get along with her mother. My daughter ended up failing most of her second semester classes and put over her third semester to September so she didn't have to go to school in the summer. She doesn't know yet that when she transferred her courses, they refunded my visa. She will not be able to go, because I am not paying again since she failed and it already cost us $2,000. She has given up her education, her family and everything to have "freedom". The thing is, she already had lots of freedom, and even had my car everyday. Now she is living with her friends family that is very dysfunctional, considering her friend didn't even live at home for the last two years. The father was a crack addict and had affairs. She is now riding a bike to work and back two hours each way on dirt country roads. She is really putting herself in a dangerous situation. I don't know what to do. I know about letting go, but what about the danger involved here. My daughter is a very attractive eighteen year old girl, but is saving every penny to buy a right hand drive car which is another very dangerous decision. Letting go is one thing, but letting my daughter put herself in a dangerous situation is totally different. What do I do?

By Ashley

2010-05-13 21:12:08

What you just described is too dangerous. I would be crazy insane over it and would have physically dragged her home by now. She needs to be told that she's putting her mother through hell. What makes an eighteen year old with wonderful upbringing take up with low-life creeps? It must be some need to identify with poverty and such. Maybe your daughter feels an obsessive need to be compassionate towards this friend. Get her to see a counselor. Your daughter has a co-dependency fixation with this friend.

By Rhonda H.

2010-09-20 02:55:02

My son is eighteen and is with a girl he's so in love with. He stays with her at her house. I wouldn't let her stay as it is not right. She is seventeen, and I totally don't approve of her family. He doesn't sleep at home anymore but comes home daily to take a bath. She does not work or do anything and neither does her family. He drinks more now and doesn't leave her house. They don't go out at all, and I don't know what to do. It is killing me. I feel by doing nothing I'm just as bad.

By Sincerely

2011-06-05 23:07:40

I would sure love to hear that answer. When is it too over the top to step in if they're in danger or not even then?

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