Building Trust in Relationships - Relationship Problems on Control

The element of control in a romantic relationship is an insidious thing, and causes many relationship problems. Although, it is widely practiced by both sexes. A relationship which truly comes from the heart cannot survive control issues and it tears away at trust. Weekly I get a variety of emails which ask, "How can I make him/her...". "Making" someone you supposedly love do or be anything isn't part of the picture, and in fact isn't love at all. How can you expect your partners to trust one another when is is trying to contol the other. It's an effort to control something that one doesn't find lovable at all.

I also receive a variety of reasons why it's acceptable to want to change a partner's actions or demeanor in some way, for their own good, of course. Since this is a spiritually oriented site, these reasons are usually explained in terms of the unfortunate partner's lack of awareness of the "truth". I see this perception as spiritual arrogance.

Metaphysically speaking, we are each responsible for our own choices whether we are consciously aware of these choices or not. If we love "A" about our partner but detest "B", that is our choice. Many years ago Terry Cole Whittacker wrote a book with a charming title, What You Think of Me is None of My Business". We may judge the behavior of another in any way that we choose to, but spiritual law carries penalties for trying to enforce our opinions on them. At best, our efforts to change the other rarely work. At worst, it will cause a lot of relationship problems and the partnership may be destroyed.

There is something we can do however, which evades these penalties. It's called an "open-ended treatment". In this sort of metaphysical treatment we connect with our Higher Power and affirm resolution of the situation. We choose to know that the problem is resolved in whatever way is best for everyone concerned. What is important here is to truly keep it open-ended. The highest resolution of the situation could after all, include you releasing the need to change the other person! Perhaps there's a change waiting to happen within you that would serve the situation much better.

This kind of metaphysical treatment provides an overview, pulling one out of their prejudices about the matter and turns over the power to something objective and caring about the well-being of all. If you find it difficult to do this, that is your indication that an effort to control is occurring, and not love. Remember, you didn't choose to love a carbon copy of yourself, but a live human being with distinct needs and wants of their own.

If you really want to lesson problems in your relationship and build trust with your partner then let go of a need to control and find ways to be supportive of one another.

Famous Quotes: CHARACTER

"No change of circumstances can repair a defect of character."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

 

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By Sasha
2008-09-20 18:46:38
 

Hi, my name is Sasha and I have a question. I am in a relationship and was planning to marry my boyfriend; I love him very much and we make each other very happy, that was until I found out that he is a porn addict and has been one for 16 years. I am so shocked and sad and I don't know if I can trust him ever again? Can I trust him around any women? Can I compare porn to real people? Or if I find his actions unacceptable, should I end the relationship? He has stopped looking at porn and destroyed all of the rest. I feel that it is my fault that he was looking and I can't help but to take it personally. Do you have any advice?

 
By Dee
2008-09-20 18:52:24
 

Sasha, you know what you can and cannot accept as a person. You also are the only one that can judge if he has indeed changed his ways. It will be up to the two of you. He may or may not stop. You may or may not be able to accept it. His addiction is not your fault. You may also want to consider counseling to help resolve the issue of your feelings and his addiction.

 
By Nina
2008-10-16 18:55:28
 

Changing the men is almost always impossible dear Sasha. If he has cheated on you up to 16 yrs. He definitely will do it again and again.

 
By Susan
2009-05-25 21:05:32
 

My boyfriend and I are both virgins and are saving ourselves for marriage. Recently I found out he had already had relations with three different woman that I know of. I'm completely devastated and don't know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. Should i forgive him or end it?

 
By Admin.
2009-05-25 21:09:05
 

Hi Susan, it would be best to talk about it with him and then search your own heart for the answer on this one. It is not uncommon for men to have had an experience of this type. It is unfortunate that you will not both be virgins on that special night. In his heart he may well feel like a virgin if the other women were not the love of his life. Do you feel he is committed to you and will not be someone that is likely to stray? It is good though that he trusted you enough to share this with you in the first place as he could have just kept quiet about it. Eight years is also a long time to be going out with one another. Is this because you have been unsure all of this time about making this commitment?

 
By Kevin J.
2009-10-15 20:13:55
 

Hi I have been going out with a girl for two years. Recently she doesn't trust me at all. I made two mistakes, such as forgeting to tell her I played golf with my mate Glynn and texting her when I got home and telling her I've been lazing in bed. I saw a male friend that I see now and a again and a girl was there and ask my name that's it. While we were out the same girl goes past and says hi enthusiastically only walking by not stopping or anything. I am never going to do anything ever or would even. How do I go about re-building trust again? I love her to bits. I know she still loves me. But she's so so so paranoid now. Please help.

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