Single Relationship Counseling: Dealing with Rejection from a Bad Break Up

When single and in relationship counseling the subject of a hurtful and bad break up if often a topic of healing. Most of us have to deal with the sense of being rejected by someone we care about, sometime in our lives. A partner may develop an interest in someone else, a child may choose to turn away, or a parent may find other interests than us. There can be a great deal of pain involved with this, and very often, there is a denial that this is what is actually going on. We may "know" that we are better for our loved one than their new focus is, and have a need to assert that this rejection is mistaken. It seems to be characteristic of the human spirit to not understand the fact of our rejection, and to fight against the break up. Perhaps this is because of the ultimate oneness of Spirit, that no rejection is a spiritual possibility, that we find this so difficult to comprehend. The issue remains though, that even if from a spiritual perspective, true rejection cannot occur, the relationship most certainly can transform from the lingering hurt of the break up.

In a rejection situation, the relationship has transformed without our permission. We are not allowed a voice in the matter, and the decision has been made without us. As such, we disagree with this transformation, may feel insulted and powerless and want the counsel of a friends sympathy. Where this can become confusing is when we fail to accept the fact that either party in the broken relationship has the power to transform the entire thing. I have noticed that this situation is especially difficult if the person being rejected is the one who is normally the dominant partner (or feels that they are). It simply becomes inconceivable that such a decision could be made without prior approval, or that it could possibly be a right choice. Another situation is with the insecure individual who expects to be rejected. This person is likely to exaggerate the reasons for the rejection, assuming that it is because they are such a low-life individual. Either perspective is skewed. Neither takes into account the fact that both parties in the relationship are equal.

Dealing with rejection means that we are dealing with ego. Our sense of rightness or fair play may be outraged, so we have decided that the offending other is less worthy, conscientious, faithful, etc., and therefore we do not deserve to be rejected. We are much better than they are. Alternatively, we could decide that we are so unworthy (negative ego) that we should probably just crawl into a hole and die. Both of these egoic self-images are false in terms of a relationship. This is due to the fact that in order for their to have been a relationship in the first place, both parties were equal. Either one always has the power to end it. This seems to be a basic human right, one which goes deeper than systems of morality or custom. We always have the right to walk away. One can be negatively judged for doing this, but the fact remains that it can still be done. One may even remain in body, but leave in heart and spirit. Ego demands that we attempt to force the other to stay, ignoring their right to leave.

This has nothing to do with responsibility, but with the phenomenon of a relationship. A person can be forced to take responsibility, but they cannot be forced to love. When we can accept that the one who rejected us has the right to turn away, just as we would, healing can begin. As we understand that either of us has that option, to be in the relationship or not, we can be free from the pain and healing of the break up can begin.

Famous Quote: LOVE

"The true measure of love is not loving someone so you will be loved back. It is letting go of the person you love so they will be free to love the one they choose."

--- Lisa Lehmann