Single Relationship Counseling: Dealing with Rejection from a Bad Break Up

this quote helped, more than words can say: "The true measure of love is not loving someone so you will be loved back. It is letting go of the person you love so they will be free to love the one they choose." -- Lisa Lehmann. Thanx, Lola

Thanks for letting us know, Lisa. We agree. Beautiful...and wise.

That quote is wise but so hard to follow. I wish I would have had that insight months ago, but now feel ashamed and lack much self esteem, for relentlessy asking my lover to come back.

That quote rings true not only in relationships but also in helping other people. Be it volunteer work or just extending a helping hand in general. If You love or help just to be loved, it's neither love or help. Just self-help. A happy breakup can only come from letting go of someone who wants to move on. Deep down, what is the point of begging or forcing someone to be with you that wants something else?

i'm struggling after 2 months of being broken up from a 4 yr. relationship. it came as a shock but i should have known. she decided to go back to a guy she had an affair with 7 yrs. ago. i cant help but think that as my best friend and lover shes made the wrong choice, how can someone complain about my job and then go to someone without one? she was my life and i feel so hurt, i can't NOT talk to her (though everyone says i should). this article was kind of a help i guess. but i still can't believe it's over and unfortunately we still talk all the time!

Hi, Nate. Sounds like a tough one, but I'm confused. You say you cannot talk to her but you also say you talk all the time. Are you meaning you cannot talk to her about the hurt you're feeling?

My boyfriend of five years broke up with me. We work together and I took two weeks off to get myself together but I'm not able to handle to go back to work and face him. I feel so low and embarrassed that we will no longer do things together. I miss and love him so much. He wants to be set free to see other people and I really want to do this. But I can't seem to let him go. He really changed and he is not the same person I've known all these years. Why can't I let him go and how can I heal? Should I quit my job?

Relationships are so difficult. My girl and broke up after nearly four years. We had gotten so close and were young so we had grown up together. We said we'd be friends, that we'd help each other through this difficult time and stay friends always. It's only been a week and the more time goes on the more I feel the urge to move on and be by myself. We had a big fight about it today and I walked out. I thought I could help her and get over her at the same time but it's killing me. I still love her and I know she loves me but I'm slowly realizing that that doesn't necessarily mean that we work as a couple. I feel so bad and guilty that I'm being so cold her after we've been together so long and loved so much but I just pray I'm doing the right thing and that she can be happy again some day. In conclusion....love is easy, relationships are hard. My advice to guys and girls is always be honest about who you are upfront, don't change yourself for someone else, love requires sacrifice and compromise and hard work. I've seen others in and out of relationships and things do get better, life goes on, people move on, and the world keeps turning. I hope she doesn't hate me and one day sees that I had to follow my heart. P.s. music soothes the break up pains.

God! It hurts so much to find out the person of your dreams, the person who promised you the world, was cheating on you behind your back. I gave him everything, everything I had, and he was too much of a coward to tell me it wasn't enough. When will the pain end? I know I will get over it, but it feels like I am dying right now. He promised me he would be there to talk to me when I needed to talk, but every time I call him he doesn't answer. He's moved on to a life without me, without a single hesitation, while he left me behind to deal with all the shattered pieces of my heart. God I want to hate him so much but all I can think about is how much I love him and always will. Love sucks!

My fiancé and partner of eight years chose to leave me almost a month ago. I'm 25 now and we'd been together since we were 17. We grew up together and as I'm slowly starting to realize, we also grew apart in that time. Regardless of the infidelity that happened in our relationship, on her part and then eventually on mine, out of the 8yrs together we probably only enjoyed and loved each other's company for 5yrs. I could slowly see us drifting apart in the final 2yrs, I'm afraid that I made the effort too little too late. I found myself blaming her for not making any effort in improving major factors we discussed and slowly saw it affecting her socially and emotionally. Drinking and drug habits became out of control, and anything I said was an effort to control her and take her rights away from her. We would end up in massive nasty arguments. It got to the point where neither of us would actually say sorry for what nasty things were said, after we made up. Things started to fall apart, and after we were OK for a couple of months something didn't feel right. I was treated more like a distant acquaintance than a partner and it truly felt like love had gone, in both of our hearts. She was getting more depressed and I loved her so much, knowing she wasn't happy, I called her at work a month ago today and said, "Baby, tell me what's in your heart, are you truly happy with our relationship?" she replied "no" and started sobbing. I then said "I love you so much and I can't stand to see you so unhappy. Do you still want to be with me?" She started wailing down the phone and cried, "No my baby, I love you so much, but no I just can't anymore." This was unmistakably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. In my heart no matter how much I know it was right to give her the option she needed to hear, I will always regret it. She was my best friend, my lover and my companion But alas, now in the process of sorting out bill's, money, ownership of pets, cars etc. it has turned nasty mostly because I haven't let go. I couldn't stand the thought of her being at our newly single male friend's house. I found myself thinking various thoughts about their friendship and the convenient, timing of his breakup to his long term partner of 7 years. I rang them both furious that she was at his house for drinks 3 weeks after she broke it off and I blasted them, only to be told that I have no right to tell her who she can and can't be friends with. That statement is absolutely true mind you. I don't have any right, but that doesn't mean it hurt any less. Now we don't speak and are no longer friends. "Time is an aphrodisiac for anger," and I should have said nothing and kept to myself, but I couldn't let go. I've learned many things from my relationship and I will always love her as the bright bubbly 17yr old girl I grew up with. Slowly day by day I find the bad memories leaving me only to be replaced by great memories I'd forgotten. We will never speak again, as she will be leaving the country soon, and does not wish to have any contact with me. I regret that the last words spoken between us were words of hate and pain. I now find myself seeing my relationship for what it was, and I see I had much more to do with the failure than I first thought. So many things I wish I said. So many things I wish I had done.But you know what? It's finished now She is none of my business now, what she does and who she does it with, it's her life and I'm not a part of it anymore. It's definitely not easy friends but it's definitely for the best. If I loved her as much as I say I did and I did truly want her to be happy, then I have to let her go. I'm thankful for the time we had together, for all the memories we have created together, I still miss her terribly I think I always will. But no one can take those good times from our minds, I can be replaced by another man, but another man will never be able to replace me in those memories we created, I will always be there. It's true that memories fade, but you will never lose the ones that matter the most. She will always be with me where it matters the most, in my heart, mind and my soul. People were right, things do get better in time, and things are starting to look up. For anyone going through this remember, Just because you can't see them with your eyes, it doesn't mean you can't have them in your heart. Someone else is feeling your pain, even if it's on the other side of the world. That other person maybe your soul mate. But you'll never know if you don't hang around to find out! I hope this has helped someone out there. Just talking about it like this has helped me. Thank you.

I am kind of in the same boat as well, but not really. I was with my GF for almost 5 years. We were like best friends and did everything together. We were just about to sign for a home together when **** hit the fan. She found a "questionable" website on my computer. I was looking at naked girls when I wasn't able to be with her. She was a competitive athlete and we didn't live together. She was very upset about the site and said she considered me cheating on her for looking at those girls on the website. I never was in contact with these girls; I just used the site for visual stimulation. I told her I wasn't proud of myself for it, but also felt judged since some girls don't see how this kind of stuff can be looked at differently by guys and girls. Anyhow, she continued to then tell me she didn't feel like I treated her like she was #1 in my life. She wanted some space. I gave her the space, but we also would talk every now and then. Talking would feel so good, and then I would hit rock bottom, because I wasn't her BF anymore. She finally told me that she still loved me very much and missed me and even considered me as her soul mate. But she didn't feel she could work on the relationship, because there had been too much hurt built up. It's been around 3 months since the break. Three weeks of not talking. I'm still having a really hard time. I didn't see this coming and had no idea she wasn't happy in the relationship. I'm getting to the anger stage of healing since, I don't understand how we could be so close and love each other, but she isn't willing to give the relationship some work and at the least try and get counseling. She just gave up. I have a feeling it's going to take me a long time to let her go and move on with my life, since I had planned on marrying her. My life changed completely so quickly. It's very overwhelming, and I wish there was an easy way of getting better.

I don't know if anyone still reads this post, but this quote helped me a bit. I'm 17 years old and just got out of an 11 month relationship. It was the most amazing 11 months of my life, even in the bad times, the good times made everything worth it. You all may be thinking "stupid kid doesn't know anything," and maybe I don't. But I do know that I am hurting.

Hi Jonathan. The hurt you are feeling now will pass with time as you move forward with your life. It is good that you are dealing with your hurt feelings in a positive way.

I just broke up with my boyfriend. It is awful. I found out he was looking to move to another state far away from where we are now. He asked me to go with him, but I realized that he was going to go there with or without me, and it hurt. He said to think about it. But as I thought about it, I knew that even if I didn't go, he would, which means he was willing to lose me. I am now regretting doing it and have called and emailed, but he won't get back to me.

My boyfriend of 11 months recently ended things. I had a feeling things were going downhill, but I wasn't quite ready to let it go. I am hurting very badly, but I need to be honest with my feelings and understand that he may not have been the one for me. I feel rejected, because I wish that he would have fought harder for us to make it work. I don't know how I'm going to get past this, but I am going to try to be strong. I hurt physically from the pain and writing this is somewhat therapeutic. I want love in my life and am very sad to see things end. Please respond if you have had a similar circumstance. What process did you use to heal? I feel like I am coping with a death and need to grieve properly.

I saw all kinds of signs of distance, hiding while on the phone, no returning calls, lying, and using me. He would have continue to use me if I had allowed it. He was holding on to me for what reason? I confronted him on how he was acting towards me. He said that's how I am. I'm a jerk. I said I know you. You want the bad girl. He said nobody was ever that nice to him, and I scared him. He said he is not good on things like, having a nice woman. He is use to grief. He called me up drunk, and left a message on how bad he treated me, and he was feeling really bad about what he did. He was sorry. So, I called him up when I knew he was sober. I did not get the same treatment from him when sober. He said he didn't remember what he said. He laughed at me when I tried to tell him that he did not care about how I felt. If he is always going to act like that he will be going through woman like water. It was such a big joke to him. We did not part on good terms. He crushed me. What a *******. He has a heart of stone. He will treat the next one like that too. I said open your eyes, and look at the good things you have in front of you. His response was, "I was told that before." It is not me, it is him. If he continues to be like that to everyone, he will die an old lonely regretful man. He only had courage from a bottle. What a mouse, not a man to call me when drunk. He has major problems that run deep. He started crying when I told him I don't take back burner to anybody. He was corresponding to another woman, and was undecided on who he wanted to see. Not this woman. I said go for it. Nobody will ever get anywhere with this one. Wow and whew, never saw that dark side. But I am human and did have feelings for him, and I looked at him in a different way. It is good that I seen it now before I had more invested in the relationship. Shame on him.

Well, I was engaged to be married. She is such a wonderful person. Problem is that she is more devoted to her mother than to me. That's why we split up. I didn't really have a choice or say in the matter anyway. We had a fight, god even knows what it was about, both were mean to each other. I go to the football game with my dad thinking all the while I'll come home and we'll talk, but no she went and told her mom "Todd's drunk all the time and mean to me," which of course is just a little exaggerated. Well good old mom told her to leave, so when I got home there was the ring. Now I know that I should be mad, but I truly miss her and hope she'll call me even just to talk. I look at my phone every 5 minutes to check Myspace. She deleted me from her friends of course. All the time, I thought every day it's supposed to get easier for me. Though, I feel like it hurts more and more everyday. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I just miss my friend.

Hi Todd, I am sure that you miss her very much. It sounds like she doesn't want contact with you right now. It may be best not to push the issue. If she wants to save the relationship she will get in touch with you. It is hard to move in a new direction at first. You could just leave something up in your online space to let her know you are thinking of her. She may come and visit it.

This quote and article has been of immense help to me. I've just found out that my husband of 11 years has been cheating on me. The bottom has fallen out of my world and the pain is overwhelming. He has said that he is sorry for what he has done. He doesn't love the other woman it was just sex, and wishes he could undo what he has done and make things right. He doesn't know why he tried to contact the woman again, but something inside me has changed. Being with him feels wrong, painful, uncomfortable, and just wrong. I love him desperately, and I know that I always will, but I don't feel safe with him. We have children, so breaking up is hard and right. Now I still don't know what I am going to do. I am taking life one day at a time and hoping that soon my aching heart will mend and I will be able to move on with my life.

Thank you for the reply it has helped. My biggest issue now is my in ability to chat up or communicate with a girl again for fear of rejection, or not being liked. I can stand next to a girl I like, and I don't know what to say. So I just do nothing, and lose out time and time again and that tears me apart as well.

Hi Andya, it is OK if you are shy. You are aware of the problem and are willing to work on it. That means you are half way there. I would not worry about rejection too much. People are rejected or dismissed many times within a day. What is the worst that can happen if you ask someone out and they say no. Not much really, other than they said no for their own reasons. People say no because: They are not interested in you. They are in a relationship already. They are worried you wouldn't really like them (their own form of insecurity) They worry about what others might think or say. They don't want a relationship with anyone at this particular time in their life. They are too shy to accept They want to feel things out a bit first Why would you be upset or disappointed because someone felt any of the things above. They are all valid honest reasons. You may have felt and acted on some of the above yourself. Please don't be too upset with others or yourself for reacting or feeling like any of the above. Let your fear go. We are all just people. We have all been rejected in some way by someone. When you are in a conversation with a girl be positive and talk about things that are of interest to you. Make sure you ask her about herself and her likes and dislikes. If she just rattles on about herself and never asks any questions that would allow her to get to know you better, don't ask her out. She is not interested in you. You just had a conversation, broke the ice and found out she was not interested in you personally without having to ask her out.

After almost 3 years of a long distance relationship, where I would travel to see her in Chicago from Los Angeles at least every 6 weeks, she calls it off. I had finally planned to move back and be there by May, she broke up with me in February. She was the only person that I have had a relationship with where we connected mentally and physically on all levels. She became a pessimist after about 2 years. I could never understand it. We'd try to talk about it, but she wouldn't talk. The break-up came in the form of an email while I was returning to Los Angeles after just visiting her. I haven't heard her voice since I was there, she refuses to talk to me on the phone. No emails, no texts. I know that I deserve better, but I think I deserve some answers, not excuses as to why she wanted to end it. Very frustrating to think that I should be there in Chicago and not here after I had decided to change my life to be with this woman. I am 39 and she is 37. I just can't help but think that this behavior is more like junior high, than high school, just not very adult.

Hi Tony, It is sad that she didn't see fit to give you a reason for ending the relationship. You do deserve better. It is however her decision to make. We can't change people and have them do what we would like. It is time to move forward in your own life and respect her decision to end the relationship.

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