Women's Relationship Advice - Cheating in Relationships

Dear CirclesOfLight, I find myself in a situation where I have cheated, twice, been found out twice and my girlfriend no longer wants to be with me. Easy to appreciate why, but I want to change. Looking for some direction on how to understand why I was cheating when my actions never brought me any satisfaction, only guilt and a disliking of myself.

I appreciate your honesty, Derek. I encourage you to head somewhere private, like a library. Bring some paper and something to write with. Draw a line down the middle of the paper from top to bottom. On the left side, title the column "+" and on the right side, title the column "-". You most likely will keep this writing to yourself, so decide right now to be 100% brutally honest with yourself. Begin writing as fast as you can all the pluses (left) and minuses (right) of both times you cheated--before, during, and after the sex. Be graphic and blunt. Get all that "guilt" and "disliking myself" info down on the right side, but also get all the plus info down on the left side. Be detailed Use multiple pieces of paper if you need to. Take as much time as you need. Take a break if you can't think of anything, but start writing again as soon as other pluses and/or minuses arise. Take care to keep this writing confidential--if you think there's a chance it will be found, you won't be completely honest. For this process to become transformational, you must be 100% honest. Once you've completed this step, post another comment on this same page about what you're learning so far (no need to include +/- details) and I'll suggest a next step.

Halo Abigail. I realize my guy has been visiting porn sites, and constantly printing out women's (yes,females only) sexy or nude photo. Our sex has been great, but why is he doing this to me? Is it normal for guys to indulge in fantasizing other girls. I feel the sense of betrayal. Please advise. Thank you very much.

Hi, Linda. Yes, some men can be in a happy and healthy sexual life, and still seek pleasure through viewing erotic images. I encourage you to search your feelings and discover what is truly important to you. Then, spend the time necessary to honestly discuss each other's needs. See if you can do so without judging each other. Find a way to listen and not react. If you can converse with a sense of curiosity--rather than arguing about being right (and the other person wrong)--you may deepen your relationship. On the hand, if you discover that your beliefs, values, and needs are different and not compatible, you can transform your relationship more into a friendship or whatever feels best to you.

My now current husband cheated on me while dating me with at least 3 different women (that I know of). He married me and I found all this out afterward. It's been 4 years and I just feel like I don't know him and want out of this marriage. I just can't forgive him when all he had to do is say "bye" to me and continue on his way. Why would he do this to me if he truly loves me?

Hi, Maggie. It sounds like your definition of "love" is different than your husband's (at least hearing only this small part of the story, and none of his version). It's all about values, which are what is truly important to us; not what we say is valuable, but how we act. He may love you--by his definition--but not enough to avoid being unfaithful to you. That sounds like the case. It's impossible to build a strong relationship foundation when core (essential) values (again, what's most important) are not aligned. For you, it sounds like "love" equals faithfulness and monogamy. What's true (by actions) for him?

For me, you wouldn't even have the desire to cheat if you "truly" loved someone. Those are my values/morals. I was asked out while dating him but I loved him and had no problem telling the men "I can't go out with you, I'm seeing someone". I could have went and not got caught, but I would have to live with myself and I couldn't stand it. Even if we had a fight, that wouldn't dampen my love for him to the point that I would cheat. For him, he always says he wouldn't cheat while married. Well I wouldn't cheat if I loved someone or maybe not even love, just respected someone. Well he was married before and his ex cheated on him, but he never cheated on her (according to him). That hurts me in that I feel I really loved him (I feel she must have not) and yet he'd see fit to cheat on me and not her. I also feel that dating/becoming engaged to someone is the time to find out what kind of marriage partner they make. Most times, someone that would cheat on you while dating you (and granted if you found out), then you'd drop that person before marrying them. He didn't give me the opportunity to decide my future for myself. He decided our future. That makes me angry.

Hi, Maggie. Well, you seem very clear to me, and your anger is understandable. Our "values" truly go far beyond our words--what we say is important to us. The true measure of what we hold as valuable can only be discerned by our actions. It seems that to stay together, you would have to find some way to trust him again. Trust can be rebuilt through forgiveness...and future actions. Professional counseling might help. Have you considered this?

Thank you for your advice, I truly appreciate it, and I don't mean to monopolize your board. I have been to 4 counselors - went to the 1st one once - just didn't feel right. The 2nd one we went to once together - she pretty much blamed me for snooping to find out he was cheating whereas he was not at fault at all. The 3rd one tried to help me with my feelings but at the time it was all new to me and I couldn't decide what to do. The 4th one pretty much indicated to me, after hearing my story, she thought I would be better off without him. As far as you asking me to trust again, I don't think I can. He betrayed and lied to me for 2 1/2 yrs, it wasn't a one time thing and then he saw the error of his ways and tried to make it right. He continually went out on me over and over again. I did forgive him once 1 1/2 yrs into our relationship when he went out on me but then he was sorry and I thought anyone can make a mistake, he seemed sorry, and he didn't want to break up so I gave him another chance. All giving him another chance did was let him twist the knife in my back a little more and cause me more heartache. So I guess I'm just wanting validation for wanting to end this even though he now seems sorry and swears he wouldn't cheat on me now. I feel bad that I don't want to stay with him and give him any more chances - I've been hurt enough. Am I wrong? Thanks

Hi, Maggie. Well, it looks like you certainly have worked the approach of seeing a counselor. As you learned, therapists are just people. You'll jive with some and not with others. The "3rd one" was on to something, since your feelings can lead you to what is most important. I am not suggesting that you trust your husband. I asking if you're willing to see if you can work through a process together and *learn* to trust him. Trust is based on past actions. Trusting everyone to act as we wish is naive, as you know. Specifically, since monogamy is important to you, you would be trusting him to not cheat on you. At present, what should be trusted is that he will lie and have affairs. That's what you should trust now: his actions. The question is, will he commit to change and follow-through through his actions? At present, him "swearing" to you doesn't have much power, does it? He has earning you "trusting" that he will lie, deceive, cheat, etc. It seems he knows how to act sorry. Maybe he really is sorry, but that's not the point. The point is that there are consequences to breaking promises. People with character know that. Yes, you feel bad...and...see if his "sorriness" is designed to make you feel guilty so he can have the benefits of being with you along with the benefits he receives of sleeping around. If your values were different--like wanting an "open marriage" or swinger lifestyle--things would different. You both could just do what you wanted and no problem. But what's important to you--again, your values--seem very clear. OK, then. Stick to them. Be courageous and honor who you are. This is your life we're talking about. Spend your time with those people you're in sync with. Live, love, learn.

Hi, Maggie. Unfortunately, we had a computer glitch and lost your most recent comment; however, I had a chance to read it before it disappeared. So, I'll reply, since you and I know what you shared. I'm glad I've been able to point you to what's true for you. In "should try to save my marriage" you will find some values. You'll also find values in your "can't live" statement, along with a double-bind. Double-binds are often quite tough. To solved them, we have to choose what's most important. Perhaps the ultimate was represented in the movie, Sophie's Choice, where a mother had to choose which of her children lived and which died. Life becomes easier when we sort our values high-low. Life is transformed when we examine our values, keep what's true to our heart, and toss any family-societal programming that doesn't align with our deepest/highest true nature. Hint: When you hear the world "should," or ought to, got to, have to, must, need to, there might be unuseful programming present. Not always, but sometimes. Sometimes when we say should (or the other words), the value is authentic to our natures and we need to transform the should into "I will" and add a time promise (ex: "Tomorrow, I promise to...) and commit. At other times, we need to toss the value, which often takes a great deal of courage. Only by learning to see, hear, feel, sense what our heart is saying can be gain the "inner compass" to discern our values and then take action. So, congratulations on your "I will." I have no opinion of your husband either way, as I've never met him and don't know his side of the story. That said, I honor your "I will," since you're expressing you are being true to yourself. "To thine own self be true."

Thank you for listening to me. I know what I have to do. I have to get a divorce and move on with my life alone. Even though he's not doing anything now, I can't get past what he did in the past. Not to bring religion into this but when I'm told I need to forgive my husband for his cheating and that Jesus forgave those who crucified him, I think to myself this "cheating" is nothing compared to what Jesus endured and I feel bad about myself as if I'm a bad person for truly not wanting to forgive him. As far as you not knowing my husband or hearing his side of the story, in my mind there is no "excuse or justification" for cheating on someone so his side of the story doesn't matter. He cheated on me and lead me on for years when all he had to do is walk away from me (we weren't married at the time). But instead he chose to deceive me behind my back and for that, his side of the story doesn't mean anything. Just the same as you don't need to hear the person's side for raping someone, or holding up a bank, etc. There is no other side to hear - they are wrong. I know that sounds cold but that's my feelings. I don't make excuses for my mistakes and I expect the same of others - especially those people I love.

Happy to listen, and provide some perspectives, Maggie. One thing that might help, given what you shared above, is to make a distinction between forgiving someone and deciding how to relate to them. They're too different subjects, really. When we forgive, it doesn't mean we say the hurtful action or inaction was OK with us if it truly wasn't. That would be a lie. When we contact the love in our hearts, compassion and forgiveness is the natural result. From there, we can exercise wisdom and decide how we want to relate to that person--determine what role they will play (or not play) in our lives.

I will try to keep this short although it the affair has been going on for 2 years. There is this man and him and I are very sexually attracted to each other. He has been dating someone for 2 years but was making contact with me before he was dating her and prior to his leaving his old girlfriend. He has a history of cheating but says it's because his first wife dumped him and he can't trust anyone. So now he tells me he has a good relationship with "his friend" it's safe, she loves him, but he is bored. He asks me all the time "why do I think of you when I am with her" even if I am not drunk. He sees a shrink too so I believe he has many many issues. Not the least of he has a big ego but is still very insecure. So he calls me, text messages me or sees me every two weeks to two months. Always on his terms. I have tried to tell him to stay away but he keeps coming back. He tells me why he should not be with me, that he would cheat on me too but he still keeps coming back. It is making me insane. I am not supposed to pick up the phone but I always do. By the way, I have been a widow for 12 years and a single mom. I have not dated at all. He makes me feel great but mentally I am fried. He does not want to be alone and grow old (we are both 54) so he does not want to upset his present safe relationship. Oh by the way, she has no children, he has two and makes tons of money so he never will have to worry about paying anything......another part of his problem. He tells me things that makes it sound like if things were different we would be together or that he wishes it was me or on and on. Is it all just a line? He never says he loves her, he calls her his friend, not girlfriend and makes it a point of say " I am not married and not living with her" So what is this all about?

Hi, Jane. Regarding your question below, it's all about you deciding from the heart what's important to you (your values), and then taking consistent actions that are aligned with your values. If you want to cheat with a cheater, enjoy it (sounds like the sex is fun for you). If being with him in this way doesn't fit your heartfelt values, don't let him in and don't pick up the phone. End it. Really, it's very simple. You're driving down the road of life, but in this instance, you're riding in the passenger seat. If you want to drive...drive. If not ride, but stop complaining that somebody else is driving. I suspect that if you stay in this pattern, you won't attract a true soul mate. Your choice. Like Yoda says in Star Wars: "Do or do not...there is no try."

Hi Maggie, My husband, who I've been married to for less than a year cheated on me almost the whole time we were dating. The thing is that we were dating for six years. I know about some of the times but not all. I forgave him only because I loved him. We still had trust issues, but I wanted to be with him. So with me still having trust issues, I married him anyway. Now, I feel like I made a huge mistake. I have a seven year old that loves the ground he walks on, from a pass relationship, and I'm having his baby early next year. How can I let go of the past and move on? How is trust regained?

Hi Tiffany, The past colors the present and helps fashion our future. We make our decisions based upon what we have learned from past experiences. This is normal. You can forgive but forgetting is another matter entirely. Should you forget? It sounds as if you feel the problem of regaining trust is yours alone. It's not you know. Trust can only be regained by a person who is truly sorry for their actions and who is willing to work hard to regain your trust. A woman can love an untrustworthy man. Does that mean he makes a great life partner? You made the decision to marry him and in so doing, you put your trust and that of your innocent son in his care. Either he will regain your trust or he will not. What do you want from your relationship? Does your relationship reflect your values, make you happy, and provide positive personal growth for you both? Be boldly honest with yourself. The answer will be what it is. Sometimes we like the answer, and we go with it. Sometimes we don't and just take the easy way out and pretend to ourselves and others to avoid change. You are the only one with the answer to your question. If your doubts always overpower the positives in your relationship examine your true feelings. Write the negative ones on paper and then shred or cut them and throw them in the garbage to symbolize your heart's movement away from the negative past. Put on another piece of paper all that is positive and what you would like for your future. Listen to your true feelings. You can and will move forward.

HI! I'm a single mother with two boys 5 and 2. Their father and I are trying to work thing's out after a year of separation. He recently told me, on New years, he cheated on me when we lived together, with about 5 girls. He slept with one girl in our home on the couch. This really hurt me. I told myself and my friends that I left because he couldn't hold a job and give me the security I needed, but at least he never cheated. I was so wrong.Don't get me wrong, I played a part in our relationship being destroyed, by always saying I will leave, but I never cheated. I guess I valued our relationship too much. After he told me this we had a big falling out and this June we started to try again. I have really put my all in the repair of our relationship, and he said this is what he wants. In the three months of us trying, all he has done was point out my wrongs and accuse me of cheating, which I have not. He asked me to cut off all the men I spoke to after we broke up and I did. Recently, I looked in his phone and saw he is still talking to women. When I confronted him he acted like it was nothing and told me he was feeling alone. He stated he knows it is wrong and will never do it again. History shows that if he feels alone he will cheat on me. I just don't know what to do. It seems like what is good for him is not good for me and as much as he says he wants this to work his actions say different. I am a single mother as I said before I am also a full time student, my plate is so full. I just don't know if I could do this even if I want it to work out and have the family we were supposed too. I can't keep taking this and push my feelings to the side and try to move on if he's just going to continue this and tell me he will never do it again.

My wife I have been together since our early teens and have been married for four years, about 10 years total of being a couple. I recently got out of her, she did not admit to it, that she had cheated on me with another man four months ago, once. The thing is she advised me that we are very close to perfect and we could not think of anything that may have pushed her to this, we spent hours trying to find a weakness that may have led to this and none was found. She does have several issues. She takes medication for anxiety and depression. Her mother and father both cheated on each other, and her father abandoned her as a child. Her mother knows about the act and is only telling her it won't work and nullifying the act for her, and this is not helping. Her mother is not the best role model or counsel. It has only been 4 days and she has already tried to leave me once and said that she did not love me saying that she woke up that morning, yesterday,feeling numb and emotionless. I explained that it was her brain and heart doing that to defend her from feeling so bad about what she did. After talking to her for hours, I saw emotion. She cried, and she said she loved me. She stayed and we went to bed together. I have already agreed to counseling, but she is afraid that it can't work and that it is hopeless. Shouldn't I be the one thinking and saying this and not her. She is the one who cheated. Another interesting and confusing part is the sex that she described was emotionless and cold. She explained that she would not kiss him, look into his eyes, or do anything else other than have the very most basic of sex. She said it was terrible. The thing is, we have already been able to have great sex twice since four days ago, great in all the ways it can be. Are these good signs, bad signs, nothing at all signs? I love my wife but I feel very strange, as I am the one trying to fix us even when she was the one who did the act. I have never cheated and never would. I believe in my heart of hearts that her saying these things and acting this way, on the 3rd and 4th day after the news was broke, is her way of surviving. She could not handle me leaving her again, and she has bad abandonment issues. I have saved her from committing suicide in the past. Does she love me? Can we do this? I know I want to try.

Hi, Nathan. It sounds as if you're committed to making your relationship work. She is the only one that can answer whether or not she loves you. It sounds as if she has had a very troubled past. It may be that she has little self esteem. The one time she strayed may have been a reflection of that. It could also have been experimental on her part. The two of you have been together since you were teens, also as time passes we change. You say that you have had many long conversations on the subject. Be careful not to be obsessive about this, after all she did share with you what had occurred. She may be just starting to let what happened go and feel more comfortable only to be reminded over and over again. This could have a negative impact. A marriage counselor would be a great idea. Also, the deep emotional scars from her past may need to be addressed first before she can even begin to work on your relationship. You can love her, but the question is does she love herself? A person who has little self love may find it difficult to truly love another. Sometimes, it's a matter of dependence and not love. You have a right to feel upset and wronged. We each have a right to our feelings. However, you do recognize that something more than your relationship is at risk here.

Thanks for the advice. We both agree that while we are not sure as to the why it happened, we do think that her past and issues do play a role and that she should seek help, which we are going to do ASAP before we try couple's. I don't think it is dependence on her part, as she has said she loved me since that time and wants the help to ensure that she will never make another mistake. She doesn't want to lose us or hurt me, her words not mine. Her biggest problem seems to be that she doesn't think she could forgive me if the situation was switched and so is having a hard time believing I can still love and forgive her. Thanks again.

I have been with my mate for seven years. I found out that I could not have children, so I got medical attention to be able to do so. Last year he cheated on me and had a little boy with another woman. Then, on top of that I found out I was pregnant. I lost our son that we had together, and he wasn't there for me like he should have been. I cried and still do cry because I am so hurt, and I love him so much. But he tells me to wait and that I don't know what the future holds. He gets upset if I even have a conversation with another man, which I don't. I am so confused and hurt. I am scared to be with anyone because I am afraid of being hurt even worse. I don't even know what I am waiting for. I want to try to have more kids. My son was my first and only right now, but I want them with someone I am going to be with. Everyone thinks that I am waiting on him, but I am not I am just protecting my heart. What should I do?

Hi, Alexa You have been through so very much. It sounds like you are well on your way to discovering what it is you want. Keep searching within for the answers. They are there. No one can tell you what to do. Your heart knows what you need. You deserved so much more than you were given. Keep strong and know that you are a beautiful giving person that deserves an equal measure of what you give to others. You will be a wonderful mother some day.

Hello, I've been with my boy friend for six years already. I recently had a baby boy, our 2nd child, and I'm younger than he is and I work hard. I'm going to school. I also take care of his needs. I don't know why, but he cheated. I found out about it a month ago. He met with this girl a few times and didn't have sex. He supposedly ended the relationship. I try to believe him. I just feel so hurt, because I was pregnant at the time he did it. It was unfair. Well, then I found out about this other girl he met and called a few times, met her once, and kissed her. He came clean, and I felt like he really felt bad about it. I know he loves me. But I'm looking for commitment. I told him if he is not ready to raise our family together to please let me be. I have big plans for myself and my family. I think he really minimizes what happened. But I was really made a fool of and I'm hurt because of it. Now, I can't help but go through his phone and wonder. He's been around a lot lately taking care of us. But now I still hurt and feel like I need to cheat to feel better. I don't know what to do. This incident has really made our sexual relationship stronger, but how will I ever really trust him again? Do you think I could be better off? Thanks

Rocky, this is not a decision someone else can make for you. You need to take responsibility for your own wants and needs. What do you want out of your relationship? Is this how you see your future? How will this affect your child later in life? Will cheating improve anything? Ask yourself the tough questions! Then after you have honestly answered them make a decision.

I need help, I have been with my boy for nearly three and a half years. In the first 7 months of our relationship I was having sex with someone else. I feel so incredibly guilty and I can't get it out of my head, I have never told my boyfriend, he heard some rumors, but I always denied it because I love my boyfriend so very much, and I know for a fact that he will break up with me if I tell him what I did. I know he will. So nearly 3 years later and I am feeling so guilty. I don't want to lose my man. What do I do?

HI I have a something I have been hiding from my ex boyfriend. I cheated on him with another man. I had been with my ex for four years, and I thought I truly loved him, and I feel like I still do. I miss him tremendously, and I see him in class Monday and Wednesday. I feel like I have guilt because I would of never thought I would do such a thing to someone I loved. I try not to tell him because I am afraid of what he would think of me. He knows I kissed him because his best friend saw us but he does not know of the rest. I told him nothing else happened but truly it did. He tells me to give him time because he still loves me and still wants to be with me. I am afraid he won't once I tell him the truth. What should I do?

Hi Desi, your situation is not an easy one. It may be best to give him some time. It may be wise to examine why you did this in the first place. How were you feeling at the time it happened? This way you will be able to explain yourself and understand your own actions better when or if you do get around to talking about the subject.

Hi, I am married for nearly 10 yrs with two children. The eldest is 12 and is from my wife's previous relationship and we have a little 3 yr old. I love my eldest very much and adopted him legally several years ago, because his father was not interested in providing support. Earlier this year my wife decided we should separate after I found a text message on her phone from a man by accident. She said it was just a work colleague and they kept in touch, nothing more. I believed her because I had absolute trust in her. Last year she was acting strange and treating me very poorly. Several friends could not believe I would put up with it, but I loved her and just accepted it. I subsequently found out that the text was from her boss and she was having an affair with him. After a long period of denying it, she finally confessed and also confessed to cheating with a mate of mine several years earlier. She moved out and stayed at a friends place and I became a single dad with my two children. She would come home about twice a week, but when she did it, was like she was never there. She was a different person and I actually had a different name for her in my mind, because the nasty person in front of myself and my children, was not the woman I fell in love with. She would just sleep or go out and I did ever thing for the kids. We tried to rekindle things a few times but this guy kept on coming back to hassle her. She could not break away. Eventually she tried to stop her pain and overdosed a few times. All because of the guilt and this guy, not leaving her alone. She is now rid of him as far as I know and has been seeking professional help. At times it is like the horrible year has not occurred and I had my old wife back. She talks about us, our future doing things as a family and trying to live with what she has done. I had pushed through the cheating, but recently I went to answer her phone when it rang and she went off at me, saying not to answer her phone. The excuse was she was a professional and did not want some guy saying something dumb on the phone. Ever since I have not been the same. My suspicion is high due to past events, she would not let me answer her phone and then insulted me by inferring I was dumb and unprofessional, and at times still treats me like crap. She has issues as you can see and she gets scared sometimes when she thinks I am going to tell her to get out. I feel that she has cheated a few times and she will go back to her ways of treating me poorly and will probably cheat again because I took her back and she thinks she can get away with it again. I am very confused and find myself trying to find positives to stay with her. When I am away with work she wants to talk to me all the time. When she is away from the three of us with work, she hardly talks much and always uses the excuse she is tired and has to go. I am getting sick of the differing standards and am starting to believe all my family and friends that I should cut ties for the betterment of myself and kids. Help please. I have done heaps of reading and been to many counseling sessions.

My wife of two years mother died suddenly after they had not spoken in over 6 years. She pushed me away and soon told me she no longer wanted to be married. We had some other issues in our marriage that she seemed unable to talk about. She admitted to a friend she was running away, but told everyone that she never loved me like she should have and expressed mixed feelings of guilt and abandonment. After a few months of her emotional roller coaster and no direction, I pressed her to divorce me since that was what our mutual friends had told me she wanted. I also mentioned, by email, that my ex-girlfriend who she was very threatened by had contacted me and wanted to renew our relationship. I didn't tell her that I had no interest in my ex, but just used it to see if she still cared at all for me. I found out from this mutual friend that she was sick when she got the news. I later realized it was the wrong thing to do since I want to restore trust in the relationship and admitted my error. What I want to know is if what I did could be effective in bring someone to a emotional reality that they are loosing someone that they will regret later or is it only detrimental to any future reconciliation. I have had mixed thoughts on whether it was a good or bad thing to do.

Hello, I am very confused as to what is happening and am in desperate need of advice. I am 26 and have been with my boyfriend for 11 years now. our relationship has had ups and downs but the last few years I have found that I am noticing other men and starting to reject the sexual affections of my boyfriend as I just don't seem to want them anymore, meanwhile if I get the attention of another man I am so eager to test the waters. I love my boyfriend so much and I don't know if I could ever be without him, but I find I am more interested in his cuddles and the odd kiss rather than sex, and I find that I am spending time with him but as soon as he leaves I'm checking my mail to see if the other man has messaged me. I am ashamed of the fact that I have cheated on him two times. Once with a guy who told me I was his world and made me feel special who i left my boyfriend for, though I didn't tell my boyfriend this was the reason. I told him I needed to find myself. I then finished the brief four week relationship with this new man to go back with my boyfriend, because I missed him so much and still love him. Since then, I have noticed I am getting more attention, as I think the small relationship I had gave me some more self esteem, as I don't really have any and am overweight. Since then things seemed to be going fine, until recently I have been getting bored again and just feel as if something is lacking. I had been talking to another man for about three years online and recently we arranged to meet and slept together. We have met again since. Each time when I'm with him I forget the situation. I'm in and I enjoy every second of it but after I realize what I have done and feel disgusted that I am doing this to my boyfriend. My boyfriend works very hard and I only see him three times a week, two of those days only for about four hours or so, and I am his only real friend as he is very shy an quiet and hardly ever sees his friends and rarely talks to them. I know if I left him he would be broken, and I don't know what he would do with himself. To be honest I don't know what I would do without him if I want to leave him. I just know I can't keep doing this to him, and I love him but at the same time I think I would go and see this other guy again if the chance came, because I really like him and the time we spend together. I'm so confused, this really is the final straw, and I don't know what to do.

Hi Peter, you must do what you feel is right for you and your family. Make the choice between going on this way or making a change that may be very difficult but possibly beneficial for all. Many times things will come up in life where there are no clear cut answers. There will be positive and negative consequences in either choice.

Hi Sofie, it is not fair to stay with a man just because he is safe and comfortable. What do you really want? You know that the situation will come to light someday soon. You will have to face it when it does. Is your boyfriend the man for you that makes your heart sing or is he your favorite night shirt.

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now. At first it was wonderful. We would kiss and make out a lot. The sex was wonderful and whenever I was changing clothes he would stare at me with lots of interest. A few months after we started going out, he told me he was still legally married but that he had filed for divorce months before he met me. We continued to go out, because I love him. The "ex" moved to a different state and we moved in together. A few months later, she found out about it and started to raise a lot of trouble, so I moved out. About a month prior to this, we were at a function and this new woman was hitting on him and it looked like he was enjoying it. I got really jealous about it and he saw that. He hates jealousy. There were times that I had to leave the house because he was "making me a gift" with the help of a friend. He wouldn't tell me who. Then this new "friend" from the function would come over when I wasn't there to use our internet connection. Two days after I moved out, he told me that she moved in to cover the rent, but I wasn't allowed back in the house if she was there. The only times I could come over, she wasn't there. And when I did come over. I found lots of her belongings in his room. He gave me the excuse that the cat had messed in the other room and he was getting it cleaned. He used this excuse, for 2 months. Then the lease ended and they both moved into another place together. He won't give me the address at all. He also tells me not to talk to her, because he knows I don't like her and he said she doesn't like me either. He never calls me anymore. I always call him. And he doesn't respond to most of my texts. I look on the phone record and notice that he texts her more and he lives with her. It's unnecessary. He tells me he loves me all the time, but he doesn't visit me very much anymore. Maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks. And all he wants to do is have sex, then he leaves. I'm starting to get really stressed because I don't know if he's cheating or not. It's making me extremely paranoid. I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused. Any advice would be extremely helpful.

Hi Albert, you tried to wake her up to the fact that she could lose you. You cannot forever wonder if what you did was right or wrong it just is what it is. You need to deal with the here and now and not what could or would have been if I did X, Y, or Z. It sounds like she is having a very difficult time right now and it is up to her to find her own path.

Hi Kay, it really is up to you if you want to continue on in this way or not. What do you get out of this relationship? Does this relationship provide you with what you feel you need in a relationship? Only you can answer these questions.

Hi, I am in a relationship now for over a year with a woman who has captured my heart. However I recently found out that she regularly cheated on her live-in boyfriend of 20 years. This really shook me up as I thought she left him because I was special and that she was just in a bad relationship. She claims she cheated more in her 20s and early 30s and that her boyfriend and she had an open relationship although I bet he doesn't know it. Now she is 45. Unfortunately we started as another affair for her as well. Everyone I have asked says she is very likely to cheat again and I am inclined to believe them. Is there any hope or is this point moot? I feel sick and think that while right now everything is fine and she has promised to be exclusive, when things get a little rough or she gets bored, all bets are off. Help!

Hi John, it sounds to me as though you have made up your mind already.

Hello, I am married to a man that I have happily been a relationship for almost nine years. We are extremely compatible, both make each other stronger and have a very high level of trust in our relationship. A month ago I cheated on him, for the first time since our relationship started, with an ex that I had not been in contact with for 10 years whilst I was on an out of country trip. You could say the cheating was premeditated as I contacted this ex prior to making my trip to see if he would be interested in meeting up, and did not inform my husband of this - one of the few things I have ever hidden from him. I was only 20 when I met my husband and had only had sexual relations with two other men. Throughout our relationship I have had periods of wondering about what it would be like to be with more men, but for various reasons I never acted on these thoughts. As our relationship moved into a comfortable stage, as do all relationships with time, I started also to long for the thrill of flirtation and discovery in the initial stages of a relationship. I had often wondered about my ex, as our relationship had ended abruptly before we could really get to know each other and in our brief time together we never actually had sex. When I met him for dinner, I discovered I liked him and had circumstances been different we might actually have made a good couple. I decided to sleep with him, partly to "finish unfinished business", partly to satisfy my curiosity of what it is like to be with other men after nine years of not even having kissed someone other than my husband. I thought that I would be able to sleep with him and move on, and in fact I asked him not to try and contact me after we slept together. Moving on however is being more difficult than I imagined - I have thought about him almost obsessively for the past month, not just our physical encounter, but also what a relationship with him could have been like, what he thinks of me, things I would like to find out about him, if and how I could continue to see him. I have not thought of telling my husband about what happened because I know it would create a great rift in our relationship. I am happy with my husband and absolutely do not want to jeopardize our relationship. But at the same time I find myself strongly attracted to this other man and unable to get him off my mind. Is there any advice on how to forget this other man so that I can focus on my marriage and not do something stupid to jeopardize it?

I cheated on my boyfriend of four years. I didn't even like the guy I did it with and think I just needed attention from someone, as my partner and I were going through a rough patch at the time, in that he was leaving me for his best friend's girlfriend. He ended up saying he wanted me but this was only because she wouldn't leave his best friend for him, and I stayed with him through this but I still went ahead and cheated because he really hurt me doing what he did and in a sick way I wanted to get him back and hurt him, which I understand was just childish. My boyfriend has now found out after four months through other people that something went on, so I told him the truth and he's now ended it saying he's lost all trust in me, and that if I want him back I will have to wait until he is ready, which he might never be. I really do love him and he said he wont see me, and we can only text, but I just can't put it across to him why it happened. Because he doesn't understand. All he sees is that I've hurt him in the worst way possible.

Hi Nat, love is a two way street. He was ready to leave you for another person. Just think on that for awhile. You may love him but is that love really returned? When you slept with this other man, did you do it because you sensed things were over? Why feel all the remorse. If he wants you, he will be back. If not he will wait for his best friend's girl while you move on to find someone that loves you for you and isn't looking elsewhere.

Hey, so I have been in this relationship for three years, in the beginning everything was perfect we were so in love, but that is when people started getting in our business. I went outta town just over the weekend and when I came back my two best friends were telling me that they heard my boyfriend cheated on me while I was gone. I confronted him about it because I was so hurt and embarrassed to hear people talking about this. But truth be told he did cheat. Once I found out it was true I was so hurt and filled with rage I didn't know what to do. Unfortunately I made the stupid decision to cheat on him with one of his friends, ex friend now. After word got out that I did that my boyfriend was pissed. It damaged our relationship so bad for the next two years. He use to hold the fact that I cheated on him with one of his friends against me and it is understandable why he did. But I made a stupid decision and will never ever make that mistake ever again in any relationship that I'm in. So to move to on with the story this year was getting a little better besides the fact that he was treating me like a jerk it got to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore. So, I began to push him away. I loved him still, but I needed time to gather my self and figure out what is best for me. And I broke up with him. Even though I broke up with him it was like we were still together. We would hang out everyday. I would always stay the night at his place or he would stay at mine. We would still be together, so I didn't really take it as a break up break up. Our relationship was like that for about 7 months. Well about 3 weeks ago we got in this stupid fight and he said he needed to come clean about some stuff, so we met in person and he told me he had one of my friends and one of her friends in his car not long ago, and he also had my best friend in the back of his car. I'm so hurt about all of this. I hate the girls I used to be friends with but I still love him. I still want be with him because he stayed with me after I cheated out of anger. I'm having such a hard time getting over this. I feel like its me against world because I can't trust any of my friends. I don't have anybody to talk to and it is just hard. I don't know what to do anymore. If I'm even making the right decision. Please someone give some opinion. Thanks for listening.

I found out my fiance of six years cheated on me with one of his work colleagues three years ago. We had our wedding booked for last year in July, but I found out a few weeks before that he has also got her pregnant and that he has a 21 month old daughter to her. I was distraught that he had kept this from me and couldn't bring myself to cancel the wedding, as i didn't know what I would tell people. We've been married six months now and I just can't forget and move on. Will I ever be able to forgive and forget? He doesn't see his child as I couldn't cope with that! Please help me.