Women's Relationship Advice - Cheating in Relationships

Dear CirclesOfLight, I find myself in a situation where I have cheated, twice, been found out twice and my girlfriend no longer wants to be with me. Easy to appreciate why, but I want to change. Looking for some direction on how to understand why I was cheating when my actions never brought me any satisfaction, only guilt and a disliking of myself.

I appreciate your honesty, Derek. I encourage you to head somewhere private, like a library. Bring some paper and something to write with. Draw a line down the middle of the paper from top to bottom. On the left side, title the column "+" and on the right side, title the column "-". You most likely will keep this writing to yourself, so decide right now to be 100% brutally honest with yourself. Begin writing as fast as you can all the pluses (left) and minuses (right) of both times you cheated--before, during, and after the sex. Be graphic and blunt. Get all that "guilt" and "disliking myself" info down on the right side, but also get all the plus info down on the left side. Be detailed Use multiple pieces of paper if you need to. Take as much time as you need. Take a break if you can't think of anything, but start writing again as soon as other pluses and/or minuses arise. Take care to keep this writing confidential--if you think there's a chance it will be found, you won't be completely honest. For this process to become transformational, you must be 100% honest. Once you've completed this step, post another comment on this same page about what you're learning so far (no need to include +/- details) and I'll suggest a next step.

Halo Abigail. I realize my guy has been visiting porn sites, and constantly printing out women's (yes,females only) sexy or nude photo. Our sex has been great, but why is he doing this to me? Is it normal for guys to indulge in fantasizing other girls. I feel the sense of betrayal. Please advise. Thank you very much.

Hi, Linda. Yes, some men can be in a happy and healthy sexual life, and still seek pleasure through viewing erotic images. I encourage you to search your feelings and discover what is truly important to you. Then, spend the time necessary to honestly discuss each other's needs. See if you can do so without judging each other. Find a way to listen and not react. If you can converse with a sense of curiosity--rather than arguing about being right (and the other person wrong)--you may deepen your relationship. On the hand, if you discover that your beliefs, values, and needs are different and not compatible, you can transform your relationship more into a friendship or whatever feels best to you.

My now current husband cheated on me while dating me with at least 3 different women (that I know of). He married me and I found all this out afterward. It's been 4 years and I just feel like I don't know him and want out of this marriage. I just can't forgive him when all he had to do is say "bye" to me and continue on his way. Why would he do this to me if he truly loves me?

Hi, Maggie. It sounds like your definition of "love" is different than your husband's (at least hearing only this small part of the story, and none of his version). It's all about values, which are what is truly important to us; not what we say is valuable, but how we act. He may love you--by his definition--but not enough to avoid being unfaithful to you. That sounds like the case. It's impossible to build a strong relationship foundation when core (essential) values (again, what's most important) are not aligned. For you, it sounds like "love" equals faithfulness and monogamy. What's true (by actions) for him?

For me, you wouldn't even have the desire to cheat if you "truly" loved someone. Those are my values/morals. I was asked out while dating him but I loved him and had no problem telling the men "I can't go out with you, I'm seeing someone". I could have went and not got caught, but I would have to live with myself and I couldn't stand it. Even if we had a fight, that wouldn't dampen my love for him to the point that I would cheat. For him, he always says he wouldn't cheat while married. Well I wouldn't cheat if I loved someone or maybe not even love, just respected someone. Well he was married before and his ex cheated on him, but he never cheated on her (according to him). That hurts me in that I feel I really loved him (I feel she must have not) and yet he'd see fit to cheat on me and not her. I also feel that dating/becoming engaged to someone is the time to find out what kind of marriage partner they make. Most times, someone that would cheat on you while dating you (and granted if you found out), then you'd drop that person before marrying them. He didn't give me the opportunity to decide my future for myself. He decided our future. That makes me angry.

Hi, Maggie. Well, you seem very clear to me, and your anger is understandable. Our "values" truly go far beyond our words--what we say is important to us. The true measure of what we hold as valuable can only be discerned by our actions. It seems that to stay together, you would have to find some way to trust him again. Trust can be rebuilt through forgiveness...and future actions. Professional counseling might help. Have you considered this?

Thank you for your advice, I truly appreciate it, and I don't mean to monopolize your board. I have been to 4 counselors - went to the 1st one once - just didn't feel right. The 2nd one we went to once together - she pretty much blamed me for snooping to find out he was cheating whereas he was not at fault at all. The 3rd one tried to help me with my feelings but at the time it was all new to me and I couldn't decide what to do. The 4th one pretty much indicated to me, after hearing my story, she thought I would be better off without him. As far as you asking me to trust again, I don't think I can. He betrayed and lied to me for 2 1/2 yrs, it wasn't a one time thing and then he saw the error of his ways and tried to make it right. He continually went out on me over and over again. I did forgive him once 1 1/2 yrs into our relationship when he went out on me but then he was sorry and I thought anyone can make a mistake, he seemed sorry, and he didn't want to break up so I gave him another chance. All giving him another chance did was let him twist the knife in my back a little more and cause me more heartache. So I guess I'm just wanting validation for wanting to end this even though he now seems sorry and swears he wouldn't cheat on me now. I feel bad that I don't want to stay with him and give him any more chances - I've been hurt enough. Am I wrong? Thanks

Hi, Maggie. Well, it looks like you certainly have worked the approach of seeing a counselor. As you learned, therapists are just people. You'll jive with some and not with others. The "3rd one" was on to something, since your feelings can lead you to what is most important. I am not suggesting that you trust your husband. I asking if you're willing to see if you can work through a process together and *learn* to trust him. Trust is based on past actions. Trusting everyone to act as we wish is naive, as you know. Specifically, since monogamy is important to you, you would be trusting him to not cheat on you. At present, what should be trusted is that he will lie and have affairs. That's what you should trust now: his actions. The question is, will he commit to change and follow-through through his actions? At present, him "swearing" to you doesn't have much power, does it? He has earning you "trusting" that he will lie, deceive, cheat, etc. It seems he knows how to act sorry. Maybe he really is sorry, but that's not the point. The point is that there are consequences to breaking promises. People with character know that. Yes, you feel bad...and...see if his "sorriness" is designed to make you feel guilty so he can have the benefits of being with you along with the benefits he receives of sleeping around. If your values were different--like wanting an "open marriage" or swinger lifestyle--things would different. You both could just do what you wanted and no problem. But what's important to you--again, your values--seem very clear. OK, then. Stick to them. Be courageous and honor who you are. This is your life we're talking about. Spend your time with those people you're in sync with. Live, love, learn.

Hi, Maggie. Unfortunately, we had a computer glitch and lost your most recent comment; however, I had a chance to read it before it disappeared. So, I'll reply, since you and I know what you shared. I'm glad I've been able to point you to what's true for you. In "should try to save my marriage" you will find some values. You'll also find values in your "can't live" statement, along with a double-bind. Double-binds are often quite tough. To solved them, we have to choose what's most important. Perhaps the ultimate was represented in the movie, Sophie's Choice, where a mother had to choose which of her children lived and which died. Life becomes easier when we sort our values high-low. Life is transformed when we examine our values, keep what's true to our heart, and toss any family-societal programming that doesn't align with our deepest/highest true nature. Hint: When you hear the world "should," or ought to, got to, have to, must, need to, there might be unuseful programming present. Not always, but sometimes. Sometimes when we say should (or the other words), the value is authentic to our natures and we need to transform the should into "I will" and add a time promise (ex: "Tomorrow, I promise to...) and commit. At other times, we need to toss the value, which often takes a great deal of courage. Only by learning to see, hear, feel, sense what our heart is saying can be gain the "inner compass" to discern our values and then take action. So, congratulations on your "I will." I have no opinion of your husband either way, as I've never met him and don't know his side of the story. That said, I honor your "I will," since you're expressing you are being true to yourself. "To thine own self be true."

Thank you for listening to me. I know what I have to do. I have to get a divorce and move on with my life alone. Even though he's not doing anything now, I can't get past what he did in the past. Not to bring religion into this but when I'm told I need to forgive my husband for his cheating and that Jesus forgave those who crucified him, I think to myself this "cheating" is nothing compared to what Jesus endured and I feel bad about myself as if I'm a bad person for truly not wanting to forgive him. As far as you not knowing my husband or hearing his side of the story, in my mind there is no "excuse or justification" for cheating on someone so his side of the story doesn't matter. He cheated on me and lead me on for years when all he had to do is walk away from me (we weren't married at the time). But instead he chose to deceive me behind my back and for that, his side of the story doesn't mean anything. Just the same as you don't need to hear the person's side for raping someone, or holding up a bank, etc. There is no other side to hear - they are wrong. I know that sounds cold but that's my feelings. I don't make excuses for my mistakes and I expect the same of others - especially those people I love.

Happy to listen, and provide some perspectives, Maggie. One thing that might help, given what you shared above, is to make a distinction between forgiving someone and deciding how to relate to them. They're too different subjects, really. When we forgive, it doesn't mean we say the hurtful action or inaction was OK with us if it truly wasn't. That would be a lie. When we contact the love in our hearts, compassion and forgiveness is the natural result. From there, we can exercise wisdom and decide how we want to relate to that person--determine what role they will play (or not play) in our lives.

I will try to keep this short although it the affair has been going on for 2 years. There is this man and him and I are very sexually attracted to each other. He has been dating someone for 2 years but was making contact with me before he was dating her and prior to his leaving his old girlfriend. He has a history of cheating but says it's because his first wife dumped him and he can't trust anyone. So now he tells me he has a good relationship with "his friend" it's safe, she loves him, but he is bored. He asks me all the time "why do I think of you when I am with her" even if I am not drunk. He sees a shrink too so I believe he has many many issues. Not the least of he has a big ego but is still very insecure. So he calls me, text messages me or sees me every two weeks to two months. Always on his terms. I have tried to tell him to stay away but he keeps coming back. He tells me why he should not be with me, that he would cheat on me too but he still keeps coming back. It is making me insane. I am not supposed to pick up the phone but I always do. By the way, I have been a widow for 12 years and a single mom. I have not dated at all. He makes me feel great but mentally I am fried. He does not want to be alone and grow old (we are both 54) so he does not want to upset his present safe relationship. Oh by the way, she has no children, he has two and makes tons of money so he never will have to worry about paying anything......another part of his problem. He tells me things that makes it sound like if things were different we would be together or that he wishes it was me or on and on. Is it all just a line? He never says he loves her, he calls her his friend, not girlfriend and makes it a point of say " I am not married and not living with her" So what is this all about?

Hi, Jane. Regarding your question below, it's all about you deciding from the heart what's important to you (your values), and then taking consistent actions that are aligned with your values. If you want to cheat with a cheater, enjoy it (sounds like the sex is fun for you). If being with him in this way doesn't fit your heartfelt values, don't let him in and don't pick up the phone. End it. Really, it's very simple. You're driving down the road of life, but in this instance, you're riding in the passenger seat. If you want to drive...drive. If not ride, but stop complaining that somebody else is driving. I suspect that if you stay in this pattern, you won't attract a true soul mate. Your choice. Like Yoda says in Star Wars: "Do or do not...there is no try."

Hi Maggie, My husband, who I've been married to for less than a year cheated on me almost the whole time we were dating. The thing is that we were dating for six years. I know about some of the times but not all. I forgave him only because I loved him. We still had trust issues, but I wanted to be with him. So with me still having trust issues, I married him anyway. Now, I feel like I made a huge mistake. I have a seven year old that loves the ground he walks on, from a pass relationship, and I'm having his baby early next year. How can I let go of the past and move on? How is trust regained?

Hi Tiffany, The past colors the present and helps fashion our future. We make our decisions based upon what we have learned from past experiences. This is normal. You can forgive but forgetting is another matter entirely. Should you forget? It sounds as if you feel the problem of regaining trust is yours alone. It's not you know. Trust can only be regained by a person who is truly sorry for their actions and who is willing to work hard to regain your trust. A woman can love an untrustworthy man. Does that mean he makes a great life partner? You made the decision to marry him and in so doing, you put your trust and that of your innocent son in his care. Either he will regain your trust or he will not. What do you want from your relationship? Does your relationship reflect your values, make you happy, and provide positive personal growth for you both? Be boldly honest with yourself. The answer will be what it is. Sometimes we like the answer, and we go with it. Sometimes we don't and just take the easy way out and pretend to ourselves and others to avoid change. You are the only one with the answer to your question. If your doubts always overpower the positives in your relationship examine your true feelings. Write the negative ones on paper and then shred or cut them and throw them in the garbage to symbolize your heart's movement away from the negative past. Put on another piece of paper all that is positive and what you would like for your future. Listen to your true feelings. You can and will move forward.

HI! I'm a single mother with two boys 5 and 2. Their father and I are trying to work thing's out after a year of separation. He recently told me, on New years, he cheated on me when we lived together, with about 5 girls. He slept with one girl in our home on the couch. This really hurt me. I told myself and my friends that I left because he couldn't hold a job and give me the security I needed, but at least he never cheated. I was so wrong.Don't get me wrong, I played a part in our relationship being destroyed, by always saying I will leave, but I never cheated. I guess I valued our relationship too much. After he told me this we had a big falling out and this June we started to try again. I have really put my all in the repair of our relationship, and he said this is what he wants. In the three months of us trying, all he has done was point out my wrongs and accuse me of cheating, which I have not. He asked me to cut off all the men I spoke to after we broke up and I did. Recently, I looked in his phone and saw he is still talking to women. When I confronted him he acted like it was nothing and told me he was feeling alone. He stated he knows it is wrong and will never do it again. History shows that if he feels alone he will cheat on me. I just don't know what to do. It seems like what is good for him is not good for me and as much as he says he wants this to work his actions say different. I am a single mother as I said before I am also a full time student, my plate is so full. I just don't know if I could do this even if I want it to work out and have the family we were supposed too. I can't keep taking this and push my feelings to the side and try to move on if he's just going to continue this and tell me he will never do it again.

My wife I have been together since our early teens and have been married for four years, about 10 years total of being a couple. I recently got out of her, she did not admit to it, that she had cheated on me with another man four months ago, once. The thing is she advised me that we are very close to perfect and we could not think of anything that may have pushed her to this, we spent hours trying to find a weakness that may have led to this and none was found. She does have several issues. She takes medication for anxiety and depression. Her mother and father both cheated on each other, and her father abandoned her as a child. Her mother knows about the act and is only telling her it won't work and nullifying the act for her, and this is not helping. Her mother is not the best role model or counsel. It has only been 4 days and she has already tried to leave me once and said that she did not love me saying that she woke up that morning, yesterday,feeling numb and emotionless. I explained that it was her brain and heart doing that to defend her from feeling so bad about what she did. After talking to her for hours, I saw emotion. She cried, and she said she loved me. She stayed and we went to bed together. I have already agreed to counseling, but she is afraid that it can't work and that it is hopeless. Shouldn't I be the one thinking and saying this and not her. She is the one who cheated. Another interesting and confusing part is the sex that she described was emotionless and cold. She explained that she would not kiss him, look into his eyes, or do anything else other than have the very most basic of sex. She said it was terrible. The thing is, we have already been able to have great sex twice since four days ago, great in all the ways it can be. Are these good signs, bad signs, nothing at all signs? I love my wife but I feel very strange, as I am the one trying to fix us even when she was the one who did the act. I have never cheated and never would. I believe in my heart of hearts that her saying these things and acting this way, on the 3rd and 4th day after the news was broke, is her way of surviving. She could not handle me leaving her again, and she has bad abandonment issues. I have saved her from committing suicide in the past. Does she love me? Can we do this? I know I want to try.

Hi, Nathan. It sounds as if you're committed to making your relationship work. She is the only one that can answer whether or not she loves you. It sounds as if she has had a very troubled past. It may be that she has little self esteem. The one time she strayed may have been a reflection of that. It could also have been experimental on her part. The two of you have been together since you were teens, also as time passes we change. You say that you have had many long conversations on the subject. Be careful not to be obsessive about this, after all she did share with you what had occurred. She may be just starting to let what happened go and feel more comfortable only to be reminded over and over again. This could have a negative impact. A marriage counselor would be a great idea. Also, the deep emotional scars from her past may need to be addressed first before she can even begin to work on your relationship. You can love her, but the question is does she love herself? A person who has little self love may find it difficult to truly love another. Sometimes, it's a matter of dependence and not love. You have a right to feel upset and wronged. We each have a right to our feelings. However, you do recognize that something more than your relationship is at risk here.

Thanks for the advice. We both agree that while we are not sure as to the why it happened, we do think that her past and issues do play a role and that she should seek help, which we are going to do ASAP before we try couple's. I don't think it is dependence on her part, as she has said she loved me since that time and wants the help to ensure that she will never make another mistake. She doesn't want to lose us or hurt me, her words not mine. Her biggest problem seems to be that she doesn't think she could forgive me if the situation was switched and so is having a hard time believing I can still love and forgive her. Thanks again.

I have been with my mate for seven years. I found out that I could not have children, so I got medical attention to be able to do so. Last year he cheated on me and had a little boy with another woman. Then, on top of that I found out I was pregnant. I lost our son that we had together, and he wasn't there for me like he should have been. I cried and still do cry because I am so hurt, and I love him so much. But he tells me to wait and that I don't know what the future holds. He gets upset if I even have a conversation with another man, which I don't. I am so confused and hurt. I am scared to be with anyone because I am afraid of being hurt even worse. I don't even know what I am waiting for. I want to try to have more kids. My son was my first and only right now, but I want them with someone I am going to be with. Everyone thinks that I am waiting on him, but I am not I am just protecting my heart. What should I do?

Hi, Alexa You have been through so very much. It sounds like you are well on your way to discovering what it is you want. Keep searching within for the answers. They are there. No one can tell you what to do. Your heart knows what you need. You deserved so much more than you were given. Keep strong and know that you are a beautiful giving person that deserves an equal measure of what you give to others. You will be a wonderful mother some day.

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